Friday, May 30, 2008

Double Dribble

The other day I woke up late for work. I vaguely remember looking at the clock at 8:20 am and thinking, “I should get up,” but I was sooo tired and my room is in the basement and is really dark. My dad came in at ten minutes to nine and roused me from my slumber, so I hurried and showered and got ready. I went upstairs and my sister had made me a breakfast sandwich with an egg, ham & cheese. It was wrapped in foil so I took it out to my car and started eating it on my way to work. I guess the egg didn't cook long enough to make the yolk hard, because it erupted when I gave it the ol' yolkey pokey with my teeth and oozed like lava all over my shirt and then onto my car seat between my legs. Double dribble. I was so frustrated. The yoke was upon me. I figured I was already late for work so I went into the washroom and grabbed some paper towels to clean my car seat. I guess I really should say the seat of my car—I’m not a baby. But, I was worried for two reasons:
  1. I thought my car might start smelling like 100-year-old egg meets piña colada pine tree air freshener
  2. I thought I might be unable to lift the stain and people would look upon the stain with disdain and think I had "a accident"
Well, I guess even Bob lives happily ever after sometimes. The stain came out like Elton John.

P.S. Aren't you proud that I didn't use eggselent or eggsactly? They both incubated in my mind, but never hatched. They felt too contrived. Eggreed?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

A Man for Four Seasons

So, I had an unexpected leave of absence from the blogosphere. Was it weird for you? I was totally psyched out for a while, but I think I'm good now. Anyway, I thought to ease y'all back into my life, I would start with a journal entry, that is really part of a letter to friend about my latest experience with poshness. I wrote most of this on May 19th.

I just finished my first office visit of the summer here in Atlanta. Honestly, I’m being so spoiled here! They put me up in the Four Seasons Hotel (based out of Toronto, how cool is that? They even have a Canadian flag hanging outside of the hotel). Charles Barkley is staying at my hotel. So are the Eagles. I guess they don't stay at the Hotel California much these days. It’s so nice, though. It’s gotta be five stars. I just hung my shoes outside the door in a bag and somebody is going to come and shine them for free. Haha, I love it . I knew I was in for a treat when I saw a deluxe king size bed in the room and big flat screen TV. I think I’m going to go take a bath in a little bit and just relax tonight. I want to take a look around the city, but all of the other people that came for the office visit aren’t going to do anything and I’m not really sure how safe the city is, so I don’t want to leave for a walk and never return.

The World of Coca-Cola
Seriously, though, this place is so nice. One cool thing, though is that they have a complimentary town car that take hotel guests around the city as long as they’re going within ten miles of the hotel. I had the driver take me to the Coca-Cola factory.
I have a collection of Coke from around the world and wanted to taste all the different kinds of soft drinks that Coke makes on different continents. I also bought a hat in the gift shop. I was really nervous because I couldn’t try it on before I bought it because my hair was gelled and I was going to be meeting with the people from the accounting firm right when I got back and I knew my hair would get all jacked up and I didn’t have any hair gel because you can’t take it with you on planes anymore and I was also nervous because the size I bought was an XL and I knew that if the XL didn’t fit my head I was doomed and my head was officially big enough to qualify for eyesore status and I was also nervous because I wrote a run on sentence. It was really fun. But, honestly, that car the chauffeur drove me in was incredible! I’ve ridden in leather seats before, but there was something special about that car, because leather seats have never felt so comfortable. It was a pimped out BMW—so nice! I’m not just saying that to try to sound cool, either, because I know it wouldn’t faze* you anyway.

*I went through a phase where I thought faze was p-h-a-s-e, but changed the phrase from phase to faze so now phase doesn’t faze me anymore.

Urban dictionary: faze – when something doesn’t faze you it doesn’t bother you

His new girlfirend don’t faze me

The Restaurant
We went to a really nice restaurant, too. It was called Oceanaire. I had the best food. Mmmmmm…lobster bisque, delectable crab cakes (P.S. I hate that name. Hearing crab cakes reminds me of a chubby kid with acne for some reason. Weird, I know, but if I were a marketer that would be the first entrée name to go.) We also had this really good creamed corn and good beans and mashed potatoes that were drowning in butter. That part was actually pretty gross, but they tasted soooo good!

For dessert one of the recruiters from PwC was telling me about the brownies with ice cream there. He said that the brownie slice was as wide as giant slice of pizza and was about six to eight inches deep. I looked at him and inside was thinking, “This guy’s full of crap.” Haha, seriously, the brownies were so big! They were as big or bigger than he was saying. Then they gave us hot chocolate syrup and caramel coating to put on the dessert. I felt like Will Ferrell getting his candy shock on Elf. They also ordered cookies and milk, which you wouldn’t expect to find at a fancy restaurant, but it was supposed to be warm, gooey cookies and milk. Not so. The cookies were so crunchy and hard and lame. I was ticked. I almost broke my front teeth trying to bite into one. I had to break them with my hands and use my scrawny muscles because I thought my tooth would bust.

You wanna hear the saddest part about the whole night? I realized how sheltered I really am. I forgot how long I’ve lived in Utah until I remembered that there are people in the world that drink wine and coffee with dinner. All of the recruiters were drinking and everyone was drinking coffee and tea and talking about their favorite kinds of tea. “Yeah, that Coke factory was pretty cool,” I said. They did tell us to be careful not to stay out drinking too late. I guess some people in the past have come to the meeting the following day a little hung over. Luckily that won’t be me. Anyway, back to the saddest part. They ordered this giant key lime pie slice for my table. It was a giant triangle (6”x6”x6”). It looked so good! Then the waiter said, “May I recommend pouring cha-something over the key lime pie?” Yeah, I had no idea what he was talking about, but I figured that it was probably alcoholic. He brought out a pristine piece of pie unmolested by alcohol and a glass full of wine. I wanted to say, “WAIT! Let me cut a piece of the pie for myself because I can’t have alcohol.” I had already told one of my recruiters about the Word of Wisdom, but didn’t want to make a big deal for my whole table if they wanted the wine topping. No body likes a wine whiner. So, I was just silent and watched them ruin the perfect pie. There was one corner that was unaffected by the wine-trusion. That was the corner I consumed. It was honestly the best key lime pie I’ve ever eaten. How sad I was when everyone was stuffed and there was a half-pound of key lime pie left but it was doused in wine. I wanted to take the pie and scrape off the top and eat the whole thing—I had not been satisfied by the smidgen—but I resisted. For a Mormon, there’s no such thing as a wine win situation. Haha, okay, that’s enough of the lame puns.

So, WTHeck? How did I write so much about food? Maybe I am a glutton. I'd better cut back on the desserts so I don’t get diabetes.

My Unwieldy Head
This is just sort of an FYI sort of thing, but I was wearing my Coca-Cola hat for the first part of the morning the day after I got back from Atlanta and before class had even started I noticed that I was getting a headache. Normally, since it’s a Coke hat, you’d think it was just a caffeine headache, but I knew better. I guess the extra large hat isn’t as extra large as I thought, although it was, indeed, made for an extra large head. I doffed the hat in the washroom and gazed into the mirror and my eyes were drawn to the compelling evidence of a swelling head. Much to my chagrin, I had two red streaks across the front of my forehead where my hat once resided. It was in the similitude of the mark you get on your face after sleeping with your head on your arm after a heavy nap. It's weird because sometimes my eyes are bigger than my stomach and other times my head is bigger than my eyes. You know what I mean? Make sense?

Monday, May 5, 2008

Refusing to Close Blank Accounts

This is a shout out to my $35.72 savings at Granite Credit Union and my $1.80 checking reserve at Zion's Bank. It just doesn't make sense to close my account at Granite Credit Union because there's a certain sense of nostalgia associated with the account. I've had it for as long as I can remember. Besides, it's comforting to know that I have a coffer to cough up enough money to buy a pair of low-end pants if I were ever in a bind. As for the $1.80 at Zion's, I didn't realize how much money I didn't have in the account until Tom was riding in my car and saw my deposit slip and said, "Bob, how come you have so much money?" I looked at the meager savings and started laughing because I knew that the account balance was another $20 lower than it stated, notwithstanding the lowness of the account. That famine began when I opened up a Key Bank account to get a free iPod, and switched over my direct deposit, but it's still the account that I have connected to iTunes and eBay, so by keeping it low I tend to hedge against my online shopping appetite. Questions?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Joke Was On Me

I was at an Olympus High production this week and remembered about a mishap I had with the playbill when I played Riff in West Side Story. I wrote up my bio for the program and talked about how I wanted to open a slinky factory in Vernal, Utah to help the economy and try to grow the town to a potential Vernalopolis and make it a destination spot. I then went on to talk about how I planned to attend ITT Technical Institute, "Because you can't have the jobs of tomorrow, until you have the skills of today." I thought I was pretty funny*, but then the lady in charge of the program said that she wanted everyone (ie: Bob–it was one of those casual comments made in a group setting directed at one person) to submit entries that were a little more...what's the word..."not made up" for the program. Well, that wasn't really in the cards, so I excised everything about Vernal and Bloodfests, but decided that no one could really call my bluff about wanting to go to ITT Technical Institute, because, after all, some people really do want to go to that school. "I could really make a big deal and pretend to be offended if she questioned the validity of that statement," thought I. Well, it was all fun and games until I realized that because everything else in my blurb was serious, people would really think that I was going to attend ITT Technical Institute. This became more apparent as parents of friends approached me and said, "Bob, how long have you been planning to go to ITT Tech?" Then I'd have to start my lengthy explanation, "Yeah, about that...see, the thing is–"

*Sometimes when you look back at things you wrote a long time ago that you thought were funny, you read them again and find out that, yes, you were indeed funny; however, this was not one such occasion. The humor did not stand the test of time: I merely thought I was funny.