Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Wuss Eyes and Wuss Nose

I'd like to think that it's genetic and that I have no choice, but to be honest, I'm not really sure. All I know is that my instincts stink when it comes to looking tough. I noticed it today when I was on the elevator. As I was pulling a piece of paper out of my right pocket, my pen clung to the paper and I felt it coming out of my pocket with the paper. I closed my eyes tightly, anticipating a clang against the marble floor when it dropped; but, somehow, in a gravity-defying balancing act, it remained nigh my thigh. It was then that I realized that, not only was my eye squint in vain, but it was completely uncalled for, because in the world of loud noises, a pen drop wouldn't even hold its own decibel place. Then I thought back to close-quarter concerts I had attended in the past, and the times I had jammed with my cousin's band, and how my eyelids were caught in the snare of the drum, and how they would blink like a strobe light to the beat. Let's just say, if I were a President, I'd be A. Blinkin.

Then, there's my nose. I can't remember the last time that I jumped into a pool without holding my nose. Probably because it has never happened. I instinctively squeeze my schnoz whenever I jump into the pool, even if it's just from the side of the pool. Just ask Johnny and Tommy–they ridiculed me for it during the 2003 Pool Olympics in Phoenix, AZ (Hey, what are you guys doing with that pool vacuum?). So, I've got that going for me, which is nice, along with a body coveted for its tan and tone, so there's really no reason for me to be embarrassed at the pool. Even if my niece called me Mayonnaise Man while we were swimming. It must be because I go well with a sandwich, because I'm obviously tan. Wow, tangent. Anyway, meanwhile, back at the ranch–but don't confuse the proverbial ranch with Ranch dressing just because mayo is a main ingredient, because I don't have enough freckles for you to make a legitimate case anyway–where were we? Ah, yes, plugging my nose. Yeah, I tried not plugging my nose a few times, but my wuss reflex kicked in and I had to hand it to myself just before the plunge.

Do some of you have the same problem, or am I an anomaly?

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