Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Monday Night Football goodness: Damage Points and Huuuuuuuge!

Okay, so I promise my blog hasn't become a platform for reviewing commercials. I just discovered a lot of advertising treasures during my posting vacation. The agency Wieden+Kennedy has made some more hilarious Monday Night Football commercials similar to the one I raved about back in September.

This first one makes me laugh so hard, partly because it's brilliant (especially when the guy calls the bird) and partly because I think the main actor looks like James Paul.

As for the second commercial. All I have to say is, "It was huuuuuuuge!"

Right on Target

I think Target wins the award for funniest Christmas commercials of 2009. The first commercial, "From Santa," is a priceless piece of acting. You've gotta love the intensity of guy's eyes all throughout the commercial and how his wife cuts him off at the end while giving him an awkward long smile and a blink. I love it when actors in commercials nail their roles.

The second commercial makes me laugh every time I hear the old man tell his neighbor why the dog is really barking. I also bust a gut when he points to himself while saying, "I believe you, but..."

Bobby's Back!

I know, I've been a bad blogger. But, I haven't stopped thinking of blogworthy events. In fact, I have quite a few funny happenings to share with you. And so, now that I'm no longer swamped with finals (I got a 4.0!), marketing competitions, and Christmas, I can devote my undivided attention to being bloggy.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

YouTube Treasures

I found a couple of videos on YouTube that made me chuckle heartily. The first is "Crazy Old Lady X-Box Style." I think Microsoft went to a Spanish speaking country to get people to try out for one of their commercials. I'm assuming they were supposed to pretend to shoot fake guns; but, regardless, it's a work of art and it made me laugh out loud. The lady's facial expressions kill me. I also laugh uncontrollably when she emits the intense squawks at the very end.

The second video is "Beyonce Clown." My roommate showed me this one the other week and I was so mad when he had me come into his room to show it to me because I thought he was laughing because he thought it was funny seeing a lady in a clown mask dancing. "You are such a little kid," I thought, only to realize that he was laughing in anticipation of what was to come. Enjoy.

Oh, I also saw this Carl's Jr commercial today. Waaaayyyyy dirty, but the fry grab at the end made me chortle. It's reminiscent of Napoleon reaching for tots.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Band Footage for Family Far Away

Here is some footage that was taken of my band playing at Acoustic Explosion this past Wednesday. The people on the BYU Student Activities Board told me to hurry because the show was running behind, so there was no time for telling jokes for chuckles or sneaking in the Snuggie.

If you read last post, this first song is where I dropped my pick twice. The song is called "Maybe."

This next song is called "Drowning." There was another kid at the show that recorded this song and put it on YouTube. He wrote a review of our concert and put it on his web site.

During the last song, "Is It Me," my video camera ran out of juice, but it was recording long enough to see the random girl swaying in the background. The drummer didn't even know what hit him. This was the song I turned in on a demo CD to make it into Acoustic Explosion, so if anyone wants a copy of the demo, let me know and I'll send it to you.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Shredding on the Guitar

Last night I played at Acoustic Explosion at BYU. I thought my band did a really good job. I got really into it and started shredding on the guitar. Now, when you read the word shred, you may have thought I meant this:

To play the guitar in a technically proficient manner

But, in reality, I meant this:

To cut or tear into small pieces, esp. small strips

Right in the middle of our first song, my guitar pick flung from my fingers and floated to the floor. A kid in my band picked up my pick and handed it to me. Aside from my guitar cutting out for about a measure, it wasn't really too noticeable. Unfortunately, about a stanza later, my pick flew out of my hands for a second time. I guess you could say that I wasn't able to to come to grips with the situation. My thirst for dropping picks was un'clench'able.

Knowing that the song must go on, I resorted to strumming the rest of the song with the fingernail on my middle finger. Apparently I was playing pretty hard because the guitar string shredded through a layer of skin on my middle finger. The funny thing about it was that I didn't even realize it had happened. I just remember looking down at my guitar while I was playing our second song and I saw a bunch of red streaked across my strings. "Hmmm...that's weird," I thought. "Must be the lighting." Only after the show did I glance down at my finger and gaze upon the grazing that had taken place.

There was another strange thing that happened while we were playing our last song. Some random girl walked up on stage and started dancing behind us while we played. No one really knew who she was or why she was there, but it was really weird. The bassist in my band thought she was a friend of the drummer until the drummer mouthed to the bassist in the middle of the song, "WHO IS THIS GIRL???" After we finished our set the girl ran up right next to me and started yelling stuff into the microphone. It was so weird... No one even knew her name. The only thing we knew about her was that she had just gotten out of rehab. She must have *sneaked out.

*sneaked is correct; it's not snuck

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Two Great Nights

A couple of weeks ago I had two fun evenings in a row. On September 24th my band played a concert at Velour, a venue in Provo. Mom and Dad made the trek down to the concert, which was really nice of them, especially since it finished after 11pm, about five hours after Mom's bedtime. It has been fun playing in a band for the past few months. My favorite part about playing is that it has really gotten me excited about playing guitar again. I feel like playing guitar is one talent that was dormant from the time I left for my mission until I got back from Chicago. I've also loved getting to know Mike Adams better. Now I see him at least every week, instead of at least every family party.
I even mustered up the courage to wear my Snuggie for a song.
The next day, on September 25th, I went with Mom, Dad, Jim, Joe, Tom, and Mike Metcalf to go see Jim Gaffigan. There's just something about that guy that makes me chuckle. Perhaps the reason his humor resonates with me so much is that he always talks about food. Gotta love those "edgy ketchup jokes." P.S. "edgy" would be a good hangman word.
After the show, we went for a delicious dinner at Settebello's. I had been craving a Settebello pizza ever since hearing about it; and, it was all it was cracked up to be. So was the Nutella gelato next door. Mmmmm....

Friday, October 9, 2009

Acoustic Explosion

For those interested in coming to see me play at a free concert at BYU, I just found out I made it into Acoustic Explosion. The show starts at 7pm on Wednesday, October 14th. Hope to see you there!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Police Beat

When I worked as a BYU operator, part of the job description was staying informed about BYU by reading The Daily Universe, BYU's student newspaper. It was all part of maintaining our operator omniscience. I became accustomed to reading the paper and always looked forward to the weekly Police Beat, where many of the crazy things that get reported to the police are passed on to the public. Some things were scary to read about, but most were funny, like, "It was reported to the police that a baby was lying in a dumpster. Upon further investigation, it was found that the object in the dumpster was not a baby at all, but a large, unfinished burrito."

My roommate was reading the Police Beat aloud in our apartment tonight and I heard a gem:

"A student went to the ID center to purchase a new ID card after losing his. It was discovered that his card had been stolen and was used to purchase $45 worth of ice cream from a Smith Fieldhouse vending machine."

Haha, $45 of ice cream? Seriously?! Whoever stole his card must have completely emptied that machine.

The 5K

I have been thinking about running a 5K this weekend. An accounting firm is sponsoring a free 5K on Saturday morning and I tried to sign up online, but the online registration was already full, so I'll have to go on Saturday morning at 7:30am for the late registration. Hmmm...we'll see if 7:30am happens. Regardless of what happens on Saturday, I'd still like to run a 5K. A 5K seems like the perfect distance because you would be crossing the finish line right as your side ache kicks in. Okay, to be truthful, it would probably kick in a lot sooner than 5K for me, but at least a 5K isn't as devastating as a marathon. A marathon may be in my future, but definitely not in the immediate future. A 5K is much more doable and much more repeatable.

I still remember sitting at a mission reunion a few months ago with Sister Callister and a sister that served in my mission. The sister was telling about how she was having a hard time getting her husband to go running with her. "It's confusing to me," she said, "because you know how everyone kind of has this secret desire to run a marathon?"

I looked at Sister Callister and could tell from her eyes that she was tired just thinking about it. "I don't have that desire," Sister Callister admitted laughingly.

"Yeah, I don't think I want to run a marathon either," I added.

The conversation soon ended.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Mustaches at BYU

It never ceases to amaze me when I see people walking around BYU sporting dirty mustaches–the only expression of facial hair freedom allowed at BYU. It seems that the problem is especially pervasive as of late. Granted, some actually can pull it off; but for most, it is a shameless attempt at masculinity and a dirthead disaster. For their sakes, I really do wish they could pull it of their faces. I ran into one friend on the way to class today and complimented him on his bravery for growing a mustache. "Yeah man, just a little somethin' somethin' for Stachetober," he said. It wasn't a pretty sight, but he has the personality to make it work. He was telling me how a couple of girls have already threatened to shave it off for him. I told him not to worry about it. "The stache just makes you more attractive and more irresistible," I said. "They're just worried because they weren't planning on getting married for a couple of years and now that you've got a mustache, they feel like they have to make a decision." That's pretty much the only way to interpret it.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Prediction

I saw a link to this on the Yahoo! homepage and thought it was pretty cool. A couple of Sundays ago I had a friend show me some mind-blowing magic tricks and ever since then I've loved seeing things like this. I'm pretty sure that this trick boils down to math, not magic; or, maybe this guy is a mathemagician.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cold Blooded

It was freezing cold this morning as I walked to school in the icy rain. For some reason unbeknownst to me, autumn decided to take a break this year and the seasons skipped right into winter. There was no gentle transition, there were no baby steps to chilly, just a sudden drop from 80 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday to 34 degrees today. One day was all it took. To make things worse, today was the deadly duo of cold and wet. Snow blanketed the tops of the tall mountains of Utah Valley. I woke up today and had no desire to carpe diem. I felt like going back to bed and saying, "Wake me up when September ends!" But, chances are that the weather won't improve too much by tomorrow. Surprisingly, the time when I was the coldest today was during my derivatives class, not while walking to school. Something about always needing to layer up during classes to stay warm makes me think that I'm cold-blooded. If only I could have a heat rock like an iguana I could hedge against this weather.

Monday, September 21, 2009

LeBaron - Upcoming Show

It should be a good show. We have two bands opening for us and a new drummer that was motivated to start drumming after he totally dominated the drums on Rock Band.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Don't Drop Your Drawers!

It all happened yesterday while I was making lunch. I had a brief break between my classes so I hurried home and pulled down my box of macaroni & cheese from the cupboard and started boiling a pot of water on the stovetop. I was intently reading a Harvard Business case for one of my classes and was periodically checking the macaroni noodles to make sure they didn't boil over or succumb to sogginess. When al dente arrived, I removed the noodles from the stove and strained out all the water. I then went to open up the drawer next to the stove to retrieve a 1/4 cup measuring cup to measure the milk.

This is where things got nasty. It all happened in one motion. I pulled open the drawer and it came out very fast and tipped downward. I realized the drawer wasn't connected to the drawer track, so there was nothing to prevent it from falling onto the ground. Thinking that the drawer was going to fall onto the ground, I instinctively thrust my left hand down toward the ground to catch the dropping drawer and its contents before they spilled to the ground. The drawer, however, never quite came out far enough to fall to the ground–it barely stayed in the drawer socket. My hand grazed the abnormally sharp corner of the stationary drawer and the corner gouged a deep new lifeline into my palm.

As I inspected my hand, I was appalmed to see skin flapped mountains overhanging an epidermal valley that was beginning to fill with a river of blood.

Against my better judgment, I hurried and finished making my lunch, turned off the stove, and then went to care for my wound. I went into the bathroom and took some tiny scissors and started to cut the skin flaps with my right hand (keep in mind I'm left-handed). I realized that I could never be a doctor. A couple of snips into my self-surgery I started to feel extremely light-headed. I thought I was about to faint.

I barely made it to my bed and then laid down for a few minutes to try to recover. Then I went back and finished excising excess skin. I started feeling sick again, but made it through.

It was a traumatic experience for me at the time, but it all worked out in the end. My hand is good to go and is healing quickly. Actually, suspiciously quickly. "Doctor, what is more severe, a hand injury or a head injury?"

Friday, September 11, 2009

University Parking Enforcement in Provo is the WORST!!!

For those unfamiliar with University Parking Enforcement in Provo, it isn't BYU parking. It's a company hired by many of the apartment complexes around BYU to enforce parking. By and large, people that work for University Parking Enforcement are jerks. You may think that they just have a bad rap, but it's true. Here's why:

At the very end of August I saw a note on my door. "Parking passes will be handed out on August 29 in the parking lot between 9 and 11am and between 1 and 3pm." Of course it was during a time when I was going to be in Salt Lake. The note continued, "If you do not have a parking pass you will have to get one from University Parking during your own time. All cars and bikes must have parking passes by September 15, 2009 or they will be booted."

Imagine my surprise when yesterday, September 10, my roommate came into the apartment and said, "Bob, is your car the green Nissan parked in the back lot by the bikes?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Dude, the University Parking people just put a boot on your car. The guy said they're cracking down on expired permits, but if you go out right now he'll take it off for $25 instead of $50."

Apparently the scumbag waiting out in the Jeep thought giving victims $25 off of something they don't owe is supposed to make them feel special.

I went outside to talk to the guy. I maintained composure and asked him why there was a boot on my car.

"Your permit is expired," he said.

I explained how the note on our door said that we had until the September 15th to get our parking passes renewed, but he said, "That's not my problem. Plus, I don't have the authority to take off the boot." Oh really? Because I'm pretty sure you're the one who put it on!

He then went on to tell me that he would take the boot off for me if I paid him $25.

"Okay, I'll pay you," I said. "But first, can you please explain to me how it's ethical to tell people they have until the 15th of the month to get parking passes and then start booting cars on the 10th?"

"I'm not gonna do this!" the guy said, and he started getting back into his Jeep. "Explain how this is ethical? I don't have time for crap like that!"

"That's because you're being a jerk!" my roommate said. "You're totally being unreasonable."

"Dude! Do you want me to put a boot on your scooter?!" the guy yelled at my roommate.

"You can't put a boot on my scooter, I'm getting on it right now!"

The guy was a total prick. I told him I would pay because I obviously wanted to get the boot off of my car. I was livid though. He told me that it was the fault of the people that manage my apartment because they were the ones that called him to come put boots on cars and that I would have to go through the appeals process. I told him that I was sorry for getting mad at him and that it must be a hard job since everybody is pissed off when they talk to him. "No, I can actually handle that part all right," he said. Right. Ethically, too.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Kit Kat Powder

I sat down in class this morning and felt a certain slab in my back right pocket obtruding into my butt cheek. I had intentionally left my wallet in my backpack to avoid the discomfort of wallet butt and was sorely confused as to what was in my right pocket. I delved my hand into my back pocket and retrieved a fun size Kit Kat bar that was once in a solid state, but had since been crushed to a fine powder of wafer bits and chocolaty smithereens. Fun size? It sure didn't feel like fun size. I guess that's what I get for wearing the same shorts I wore to Sunday dinner at the cabin, when putting a Kit Kat in my back pocket apparently seemed like a good idea. What kind of intense pressure does it take to crush a Kit Kat into fine powder anyway? I was expecting to find a disjointed Kit Kat at most, but fine powder? I guess school really is back to the grind. It's always nice to know you have a buttocks as strong as an ox butt. Or at least a huge head to weigh anchor.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

"I cut the sleeves off because it looks awesome!"

I love ESPN commercials, but I think this Monday Night Football dream job commercial is the best one I've ever seen. The guy totally nailed his part–especially during the last scene where he's coaching. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. By the way, the extended version of the commercial has an extra 15 seconds of hilarity if you aren't satiated by the clip below.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

How 'bout them Cougs?

Wow. Wow is all I have to say. I hope you were able to watch it. BYU defeated #3 Oklahoma tonight in an amazing game. I really liked BYU's offense tonight, but I loved their defense. Not in a gay way, in a fan way. They were able to stop Oklahoma on several drives and really, the only points they gave up came as a result of BYU's offense turning the ball over, giving Oklahoma good field position. If you didn't watch the game, be sure to check out the highlight reel.

I think my favorite part was seeing Provo come alive after the victory. I watched the game at my friend Reed's house up in Orem and drove down to Provo after the game. People were swarming the streets and drivers were honking their horns like crazy in celebration of the victory. I went back to my apartment to play some Tiger Woods Golf on the Wii and heard a huge mass of people celebrating, walking down my street. I went outside and saw a herd of fans cheering, headed by a kid playing the bagpipes at 11pm. It was awesome seeing a BYU Stone Cold Sober celebration instead of a rowdy celebration with beer flowing from the taps.

Friday, September 4, 2009

If ye are prepared...

One of my teachers is amazing. He has an Elder Holland-esque presence about him. He is a short, barrel-chested man with a fiery, energetic personality. He also comes across as one of the smartest people I’ve ever known and has a very commanding presence. I’m really excited about his class.

It was actually during the first day of his class that I had a funny experience. The class is advanced corporate finance and is made up of about 30% MAcc students and 70% MBA students.

Dr. Heaton walked in and started passing around cardstock and markers for each of us to make name tags, because he calls on whoever he feels should know the answer, not students with raised hands. As I was writing my name on my name tag, he started talking to a kid sitting in front of me. The class went something like this, but keep in mind that the questions and responses were lightening fast:

Dr. Heaton: Ryan, what was Dave Bitter’s undergraduate major?

Ryan: Computer science

Dr. Heaton: Kind of a strange degree, don’t you think?

I assumed they were talking about a mutual friend, perhaps someone in the MBA program.

Dr. Heaton: Heidi, what was Dave Bitter’s post-graduate degree?

Heidi: An MBA in finance

"Wow," I thought. "They all seem to know this Dave Bitter guy. Dave Bitter must be an MBA professor or a storied alumnus."

As my professor continued to grill students for more unique information about Dave Bitter, I realized that the students’ knowledge of Dave Bitter was a little too uniquethe entire class seemed to know something I didn't. And then, when I saw how Professor Heaton was appalled when a student couldn’t answer a question about Dave Bitter’s job description of his first job at Ford Motor company, I knew I was in trouble.

I turned to the girl sitting next to me and said, “What is he talking about? Were we supposed to read something before class?”

“Yeah,” she said. “He emailed us a 20-page case study a couple of weeks ago and we were supposed to read it and answer questions about the case.”

Gulp. I had read no such case. I started panicking a little bit. I hurried and downloaded the case and started skimming ahead to shield against the shower of Dave Bitter bullets Dr. Heaton was shelling out at random victims like a howitzer.

Luckily, I was spared from answering a case-specific question and was fielded a general question about the risk of US Treasury bonds. It was still frightening, though, because even if you give the right answer, Dr. Heaton challenges you and makes you defend yourself. In his class you have to be sure because if you're sitting on the fence, he'll push you off.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ian Eldon Tanner?

I was walking through the Tanner building this morning and saw a painting of President N. Eldon Tanner and noticed a striking resemblance between him and Sir Ian McKellen. It probably stood out to me because I just barely watched The Da Vinci Code for the first time on Friday night.

What do you think? Cast your vote on the side poll.

Monday, August 31, 2009


Today is the first day of my final year of college. It's crazy to think that I'll be finished with this phase of my life by April. I'll try to savor my experience and get the most out of it. By next fall, for those of you who don't know, I'll be working in Chicago as an auditor for PricewaterhouseCoopers. Even though I know I'll be out there it's still sometimes doesn't seem real and it's weird to think that I'll be working a full-time job for the rest of my life.

Well, I'm sorry for this onslaught of video posts, but this is a segment from Jim Gaffigan's new standup video King Baby. This clip about ketchup was almost as ingenious as his routine on bacon (the one he did before King Baby), but I thought it was hilarious. My favorite part is at the very end when he speaks the mind of the audience about the British.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering, I think Jim Gaffigan is my favorite comedian. Probably because he usually only talks about food.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Michael Jackson's Thriller Tribute

This was something I meant to post a long time ago, but I forgot to do it. I found this about two years ago and thought it was pretty funny, but didn't remember about it until Michael Jackson died. This is a tribute to Michael Jackson's Thriller. The dancers are prisoners in Cebu, Philippines. I wonder how many practice sessions to took to get this right. Hey, at least they're getting their exercise, right? My favorite part was watching the beginning part and thinking, "I can't believe they let a woman into the prison to help film this!" And then...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm Back

Well, well, well...I've certainly been taking my sweet time with not putting out any new posts. I kept finding things to blog, but it seemed like there was never enough time between vacations, writing papers for school, and work. But, I'm going to be better. I'll try my best to present a plethora of posts in the next week, so make sure you stay tuned. As for right now, I hope you enjoy this dance from So You Think You Can Dance (dance, dance). I was at my brother's house a few weeks ago and my sister-in-law showed it to me and I made her play it like three times. I think it's my favorite dance I've seen on the show (Let's be honest, I've probably only seen two or three episodes), but I think the reason why I loved it so much is because it reminded me of my award winning Hamburglar Halloween costume.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Depeche Day Ever

On Saturday, I drove over to the English's to meet Tom and Jess to watch fireworks at Holladay Elementary. On the way over, I heard "Somebody" by Depeche Mode on the radio. After we finished watching the fireworks, I was dropped off at my car and was greeted by "I Just Can't Get Enough," after turning the ignition. What are the chances that I would turn the car off to Depeche Mode and turn it on to the same group? 100%. Now, if only that story were as cool as their outfits.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Vocab 911

Help! I need someone to tell me what cooperativity means. A girl used it in class this week but I couldn't find it in the dictionary. Does anyone know what it means??? Please help!!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Billy Mays and the Age of Infomercials

Even though Billy Mays was not my lover, he was loved in the world of infomercials. He really was loud and convincing, from OxyClean to the Ding King to ESPN.

I think I would actually be good at writing infomercial scripts. I'd have catchy lines like, "Tired of your cat pulling down the table cloth?"

*Show black and white video of cat using claws to pull down table cloth causing dishes crash on the floor and break into pieces. Camera changes to frustrated woman standing at door entryway pulling her hair in frustration while shaking her head*

The pitchman then introduces the "Table Cable" or something else completely worthless.

As funny as infomercials are, though, I'm a total sucker for buying stuff from infomercials. For example, I purchased the "Nicer Dicer" which turned out to not be as nice as I had hoped, but what can you do? I'm actually pretty sure that it works well, I just have only used it once on a super squishy tomato, so of course it didn't work.

I also purchased (my personal favorite) the "Snuggie." Yeah, don't be jealous, it is as comfortable and convenient as it looks. No more having to lift my hand out of the blanket to change the channel. Now using the remote control is a cinch! I will say, though, that my favorite part about the Snuggie is the reading light that came with it. No joke. It's much more useful than the Digital Reminder. Worthless p.o.j.

I'm pretty sure that the new free gift that comes with Snuggies is the Baby Snuggie Vest. It looks ideal for a cool autumn hike, eh?
P.S. Stay tuned for pics of me in my Snuggie.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Farewell, King of Pop

I was sad to hear that Michael Jackson passed away this afternoon. I was at work when I read the breaking news that he had gone into cardiac arrest. By quitting time, Michael Jackson was already gone. He was a musical legend and revolutionized the music industry. It's amazing when I think of how successful his career was, starting with Jackson 5 and how he was so successful on his own. He lived in the spotlight but died as a recluse.  I talked with a guy the other week who started a company that had exclusive rights to broadcasting Michael Jackson's upcoming "comeback" performances in London over the internet. I guess not anymore. If only his heart could've beat it. Sorry, that was bad, really, really bad. But in all seriousness, he made a mark in history and he's in a better place now, where he won't ever have anxiety over his looks again.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Taking Tests

It started with the ACT, but didn't end there. I feel like I'm the worst test taker in the world. I feel like my test taking abilities aren't a proper reflection of what I've actually learned in school. I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing, under-analyzing, or just plain ol' unlucky, but the last two finals I took just buried me. I'm sure reading this juxtaposed with my last post you feel I had it coming. The funny thing is, that's the final I feel the best about. I'm not sure how much stock I should put into feeling good about a test though. I felt pretty good about the two finals I took today and ended up getting C's on both of them.

One test was open book with a three-hour time limit. I thought I found every answer word-for-word in the book and submitted my test thinking, "I actually think I got 100% on that one." Or 72%, either way, right? Then I decided I needed to study hard for my next final. I put in a solid six hours only to get a 70%? What the? I'm pretty sure I'm supply and demand curve dyslexic. Oh well, the classes I'm behind in now are behind me now. Hopefully I wasn't the only one that bit the dust and it will all work out in the end.

At least the bookstore wasn't buying back any of my books. That was awesome.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Studying is a funny thing. Sometimes I'm in the zone and could study nonstop for hours. Let's be honest though, that's happened like once. Usually I need to have some snackies, like baby carrots, to keep me company and help me stay awake and focused. I think overall I'm a good studier, but there are some days, like today, when I feel like I could think of any excuse not to study. The internet doesn't help either. I'll be sitting at my computer trying to think of what to type next for a final ethics paper and I'll think, "Hmmm...I wonder if anyone has sent me an e-mail in the last minute and a half." In my distracted defense, after checking my empty inbox I usually only read a few online newspaper articles, watch a few YouTube videos, or write a blog post and then I go right back to trying to finish the ethics sentence that I started 45 minutes earlier.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


This post is not intended for the faint of stomach!
The sunset looks like absolute paradise, right? I thought so, too. It's a picture of the island Moloka'i, part of the Hawaiian islands. What you might not know about the island is that it has a quarantined colony of lepers inhabiting the northern tip of the island, Kalaupapa.
When I went to Toronto a couple of weeks ago, Bishop Wilson told me a story about Moloka'i. He said that his grandfather bought a house on the island after he retired; so, when Bishop Wilson was about 20 years old, he went with some of his friends to visit his grandfather for about five weeks during the summer.

The island was only inhabited by lepers on the northern tip, which was separated from the rest of the island by a mountain. The colony was only accessible by boat or by riding a donkey up and down the mountain, so there was no real danger of getting leprosy for everyone else on the island.

Bishop Wilson's grandfather was a dentist, so everyone called him Dr. Matkin. People were constantly asking him for medical advice and wanted him to help the lepers until they found out he wasn't a medical doctor. His grandpa did hear some interesting stories while he lived there, though.

Apparently, leprosy kills the nerve endings on fingers (I'll use fingers to represent any affected body part) and then that decay spreads to the rest of the finger until it finally falls off. One doctor had an idea that he might be able to save fingers. Because diseased fingers were attached to dead nerve endings, he thought he could take fingers that had just fallen off and save them by reattaching them to the hand and connecting them to nerve endings that were still alive.

The doctor went to the leper colony and explained his plan to the lepers, that he thought he could help them to save their fingers. He told them to call him immediately if one of them had a finger that fell off so he could come and try to reattach the phalanges.

He waited for about a week, but no one called him. He went back to the colony and saw that a lot of people had lost fingers during the week, which made him mad. "Why didn't any of you call me?" he asked. "Don't you want to try to save your fingers?"

"We do," the lepers responded, "but the problem is, we don't know when our fingers are falling off. It seems like we just look down one day and they're gone."

They couldn't exactly put their fingers on it. So, they decided to start watching for each other to see if they could detect where their fingers were falling.

As it turns out, rats were stealing them. Rats could smell the fingers that were about to fall off and would swipe them from the slumbering lepers. When lepers arose the next morning they would approach the day with one less finger.

*dry heave*

Sort of made me feel bad for telling jokes and the leper in the hot tub named Stu and the leper that couldn't take a shower because he forgot his head and shoulders.

It also made me realize how disgusting and crazy leprosy actually is. When I think of the Savior healing the ten lepers, I am dumbfounded that only one returned to thank Him for releasing him from the grasp of the contagious and degenerative disease.

So, I hope you enjoyed my story of Moloka'i and that it wasn't too gruesome for you. It could have been worse, though. I actually did a Google image search on leprosy to see if there were any good pictures to use, but I never should have done that.

Seeing those pictures was almost as disturbing as watching the Born Without a Face documentary on TLC.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My life during my blogging hiatus

I officially when AWOB (absent without blogging) for the last few weeks. But, I have been garnering a bunch of blogworthy stories, so you should expect a splurge of stories in the next little while.

Quite a few things have happened since I last posted, though.

First, I was hired as a marketing intern for Extra Space Storage. This is the third internship I've done with them, so it has been fun to see another aspect of the business.
Second, I went to Toronto to see a family from my mission get sealed. It was incredible!
Third, Spring term at BYU is almost kaput. One more week. Booyah!
Fourth, I started a band with my cousin and some other friends.
We played at an open mic night and got a lot of compliments. Then, we were invited by the club manager to play at Battle of the Bands, which is a week from this Wednesday. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm singing and playing rhythm guitar (p.s. rhythm is a great hangman word) and we have another guitarist, a bassist, a keyboardist, and a drummer. I feel like it should be drummist. Anyway, we're playing a bunch of songs I've written over the years and this is my first time playing in a band, so it has been really fun hearing my music come to life.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Rock Stars

I saw an Intel commercial on TV today that made me laugh. I'm not sure how I feel about the vocalized Intel theme at the end; but, other than that, I think they nailed it.

And, at the risk of sounding super nerdy, a funny thing happened in my tax class right after I had seen this commercial. My tax professor was talking about a new accounting rule called FAS 109 and was stressing the importance of understanding the concepts and how they're hard for a lot of people to grasp. 

"In fact," he said, "your book says that the people that are excelling with FAS 109 are considered the rock stars of accounting." He paused and then started laughing. "Yeah, I wouldn't go that far. I went to an Eagle's concert this last Saturday and they were the real rock stars. They looked like they were having loads of fun. I guarantee you'll never have as much fun doing FAS 109 work, but you'll still be in high demand."

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Crashing the Relief Society Pancake Social

As I was walking home from church today, a girl in my ward told me she was making pancakes for a bunch of people at her apartment about an hour after church finished. She came over to my apartment a few minutes later to see if she could borrow a pan. At this point, I decided I could hardly wait until 1:30 when the pancake social was scheduled to start. So, I took a quick power nap to pass the time and then moseyed my way over to her apartment to eat.

What she didn't tell me, was that it was the Relief Society Pancake Social! Imagine my surprise, as I walked around the corner to her apartment patio and saw a bunch of girls lined up to get pancakes.

"Hmmm...that's weird," I thought. "It must just be because it's an apartment complex full of girls. Either that or–"

"Wait a minute!" And then it struck me. "Free food, no guys, something's wrong!"

A half-second later the relief society president looked at me and confirmed my fear aloud: "Are you here for the Relief Society pancake social, Bob?" Ahhhh, awkward! I guess it wasn't awkward enough to keep me from grabbing a plate of pancakes, but it was awkward nonetheless.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Triple Whammy!

I went to a Peter Brienholt benefit concert at Cottonwood High tonight with some friends. It was fun seeing the band. Bruce Boucher even got up on stage and played for a while. I had to laugh, though, when I went to use the washroom and saw the epitome of a high school bathroom. It wasn't the green and white tile that gave it away. It was a triple whammy consisting of puddles of water all over the floor (at least I hope it was water), a pull down cloth rag for drying hands, and, my personal favorite, powder soap. Haha, I had completely forgotten that powder soap exists until I saw it again tonight.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Swine Flu

So, I've heard a few swine flu jokes over the past couple of days:
  1. Swine flu is one of the signs of the aporkalypse.
  2. People used to say we'd have a black President when pigs fly; a hundred days into Obama's presidency, swine flu.
  3. Kermit the Frog's dying words were, "Dangit! That pig told me she was clean!"

Thursday, April 23, 2009


I took off my shoes and rested my feet on the ottoman as I began watching the Utah Jazz play the Los Angeles Lakers. After a few close calls, the Jazz beat the Lakers 88-86 and I felt satisfied as a Jazz fan for the first time in a long time.

As the game finished, I gathered my belongings to take them downstairs. I picked up one of my shoes, but paused to look at the inside of the shoe's tongue after noticing what looked like a sticker covering the shoe's size tag.

I maneuvered the shoe around to get a better look at the tag. It was then that I noticed I had company. There was a black spider clinging to the black inside of my shoe, right by my hand!

I shuddered and then held my shoe at an appropriate angle, flicked the spider onto the carpet with my finger and then smashed it with its former residence. Sheesh! Don't spiders ever read my blog?! Don't they know that I addressed this very subject two days ago, that I abhor arachnids?

It was a gutsy move for the camouflaged creature whose guts ended up squashed on the floor. I really gave that spider the insides scoop!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ghost Vibes and Radio Rings

I'm sure most of us have a felt a cell phone vibrating in a pocket when it wasn't vibrating. I've even had it happen when I didn't have a cell phone. My first couple of weeks of the MTC was replete with phantom cell phone vibes. I kept grabbing for my cell phone, but it was all thigh, baby. The ghost of cell phones past was pulling my leg with the fake shake.

The other fake-out culprit is the radio ring. I've been noticing this one a lot lately. I feel like there's so much background shrapnel going on in some of the songs on the radio these days that I actually think I can hear my cell phone ringing. I turn down the radio and realize no one is really calling–I've been had by the radio ring. But, I do think the additional flare in songs needs to be outlawed, because sure enough, not but thirty seconds after turning up the radio, I have to turn it down again, because it sounds like someone is calling.

FYI, those are pictures of my new cell phone, the LG Versa.

Monday, April 20, 2009

While you are sleeping...

About every other day I wake up and find one or two wolf spiders in the basin of my bathtub. Just so you all know, I am TERRIFIED of creepy crawlers. I'm not talking about the bake-your-own Creepy Crawlers gummy toys that were advertised heavily in my youth (Johnny Mahoney got the oven for Christmas one year).
I'm talking about things like spiders and centipedes, things that you see in your house that may or may not crawl on your face while you sleep.
When somebody told me in junior high that, on average, you swallow twenty-seven bugs and one-and-a-half spiders per year, I freaked out and slept with my head under the covers for about six months. I slept with fear that I would be bitten by a brown recluse and the poison would eat away my nose and I'd have to wear a detachable nose for the rest of my life like the guy I saw on Ripley's Believe it or Not. What, nobody else had that fear?

The "half" of one-and-a-half spiders became a lot more real after my roommate, Ryan, told me that he woke up one morning on his mission in the Philippines and had some legs and part of a wing of a cockroach sticking out of his lips. He realized he had eaten a cockroach that night! He knew transfers were coming up soon so he slept with a sock in his mouth until he was transferred a week later.

My other roommate, Scott, was in the Philippines and a cockroach bit his lip while he was sleeping. His lip suffered significant swelling after the cockroach tore into it with its dirty jaws.

I'm actually getting really creeped out just writing this post. I think if someone were to come up behind me and grab my shoulders and scream or blow on my neck I would accidentally kick my computer off of the couch.

Don't get me wrong, I don't scream like little girl when I see these things, they just give me the willies and make me shiver and make me scared to do certain things. For example, at my old house I used to be very cavalier about sleeping on the floor of the living room. Yeah, I know, it's not a good place to take a nap and you'd think that having your ribs hurt when you wake up would be enough to dissuade such a habit, but it wasn't. I'll tell you what was enough to get me to never sleep on the floor again, though–I saw two wolf spiders that, with their legs, each had the circumference of a clementine orange.

Anyway, at least with the spiders that are always waiting in my bathtub, even though they still give me the heebie-jeebies, I've gotten to the point where I can at least still function, instead of stopping in frozen fear. Now I clean while I kill. I take whatever cleaning agent I can find and spray those suckers down until they wither and die and then turn on the shower until they float down the drain.

Anything to not have to try to grab them with a tissue and risk them crawling out of the tissue onto my hand. Plus, that way my fingers never have to feel chitin crushing and bodies popping through a tissue.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


I was sitting in the kitchen with Mom and Dad this morning and saw an article written in the newspaper about the Oquirrh Mountain Temple.

Mom had been reading earlier about the Draper Temple open house and read aloud that there were 700,000 people that attended the open house. I asked Mom if there were protesters at the open house and she confirmed that there were and told me that the Church had people assigned go take them hot chocolate and cookies.

I told Mom that people shouldn't be allowed to protest at the Oquirrh Temple open house unless they can spell "Oquirrh."

Mom thought most people would try to spell it as "ocher" (see also ochre), a word used primarily by the British to describe a pale brownish yellow color.

Dad thought they would try to spell it as "okra," a plant of the Old World tropics whose immature seedpods are eaten as a vegetable and also used to thicken soups and stews (see also gumbo).

I had nothing meaningful to contribute to the conversation, so I just decided to lead them into a joke with an oldie but goodie, "What's green and sings?" Elvis Parsley.

Followed by, "What's green and has its own TV show?" Okra Winfrey (wocka, wocka, wocka)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Steep and Cheap

Tommy introduced me to a little over a year ago. It's a company based out of Salt Lake that sells items for the outdoorsy niche at deep discounts. They sell items for about 15 minutes or until they run out, and then start selling a new item. They bank on people making impulse purchases by feeding fears that items will be gone if purchases aren't made immediately.

I've only bought one item on the web site, but I'm on the mailing list for the company, so everyday I get a funny e-mail from them called "The Daily Dose." I don't read every Daily Dose, but I've found a few gems. The other week, I received this one about blogs that I wanted to share because I thought it was pretty funny.

One of my friends sends me e-mails every couple days to let me know that he's posted new items to his blog. It's like, hey man, the whole point of having a blog is so that you don't have to e-mail me with news all the time. It makes it easier to ignore what's going on with you in one convenient place. I've read that an average blog gets one reader, which makes sense. After all, some blogs have hundreds of thousands of readers, so there must be hundreds of thousands of blogs with no readers.

Friday, April 3, 2009

In My Dreams

So, I hardly ever remember dreams, but I remembered one this morning. The dream just goes to show how nerdy I am, even while I'm sleeping.

There were a lot of crazy things happening in the dream, but to cut a long story short, I dreamed I was on campus helping a girl in the accounting program with something in Excel.

When I came back from the computer lab my roommates were giving me a hard time saying, "So what's going on between you and her anyway? I think she likes you!"

I looked at my roommates and said, "Helping out a girl with Excel isn't exactly a formula for love."

Wait, what? Why was I thinking in pun while I was sleeping? And more importantly, why did I have a dream I was helping someone with Excel. Nerd alert! From now on, I don't want to be thinking about anymore spreadsheets in my bedsheets.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Lunch with President & Sister Callister

It's always good to see the Callisters. It always brings back a flood of memories of my mission and listening to President Callister unfold doctrines of the Restoration at zone conferences and interviews. He always has the most interesting stories could always keep missionaries listening with rapt attention. As I got to work closer with him, I also discovered that he has an appreciation for bad puns and could keep going with puns after mine were exhausted. One of my favorite moments was at my farewell lunch when he got my attention at the tepanyaki grill to make sure I was listening before he shared a pun with the rest of the table.

Currently, Elder Callister is serving as a counselor in the Pacific Islands area presidency. He lives in Aukland, New Zealand and his assignment covers many islands in the Pacific, such as Tonga, Papua New Guinea, Australia, Somoa, the Marshall Islands, Kirabus, Fiji, Vanuatu, and many others.

During lunch, President Callister was telling me about the island of Vanuatu where they speak a language called Bislama, a type of pigeon English. My roommate sophomore year served there and they would say things like, “Me name Elder Robertshaw. ‘Dis be da Book Mormon,” etc.

President Callister said that on the island they have a problem where husbands are beating their wives and children. So, a member of the Seventy was speaking at a conference there and said, “Brethren, do not beat your wives or children.”

The speaker then heard the translator say, “Bredren, do not kill wives and children.”

The general authority stopped and said to the translator, “That’s not what I said. I said, ‘Do not beat your wives and children. I didn't say kill.’”

The translator said, “Yeah, but that’s how we say beat, ‘do not kill wives and children.’”

The general authority asked, “How would you say, ‘murder your wives and children?’”

Then the translator said, “Oh, for that you say, ‘Do not kill ‘em ‘til they dead wives and children.’”

So, if you're ever on Vanuatu, make sure you are distinct with your terminology.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Some of you have already heard this story, but it's a classic, so I figured I would share it with everyone.

A couple of weeks ago at work everyone was eating lunch in the cafeteria. A guy at work opened up a Snapple green tea and under the cap of his drink was printed the usual unusual fact that he read aloud, "#244 The watermelon seed-spitting world record is about 70 feet."

A couple of people at the table doubted it. "Do you have any idea how far 70 feet is?" one guy asked. He stood up and walked about 30 paces to the edge of the lunch room and said, "This is about 30 feet. There is NO WAY someone could spit a watermelon seed 70 feet!"

Then the partner of our engagement piped up in his New York accent and said, "Yes they could! I could proahbably spit a woatuhmelon seed 60 feet. We have woatuhmelon seed-spitting coantests awl the time at family pahties."

No one believed him, which made him even more insistent. He was sitting about 20 feet away from me at the other end of a long cafeteria table and said, "You don't believe me? If I had a seed raight now, I could proahbably hit Bob raight in the fah-head"

Then I fired back at him and said, "Yeah, but Barry, that's not even impressive because my head is huge!"

The whole lunch room erupted into laughter and Barry's face turned bright red. He was laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke on his food.

No one had said anything about my melon up to that point in time but they were all laughing like I had just told the joke they knew I was the punch line of from the moment they met me.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Cold Sores

Someone once told me that if you haven't had a cold sore by the time you're 14, you're immune, and you'll never have one. Good one. Real funny.

I actually never had a cold sore until I was almost finished with my freshman year of college. It was an awful and unsightly experience and one that was completely new to me. I was happy when it was finally gone, but soon learned that it would come back to visit from time to time. It usually takes a year-long sabbatical before coming back and making a reservation right smack dab in the middle of my upper lip. The only things that are more obvious are 1) when you get a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer pimple right on the tip of your nose, or 2) when you have a zit right between your eyebrows that looks like a red jewel you sometimes see women from India wearing on their foreheads.

Why do I write about this? Because the aforementioned cold sore decided to have spring break on my lip. Also, whenever it comes back, I always have a bright recollection of all my past cold sores. The worst part about this recurring monstrosity is that it always comes at times when I'm going to be meeting large groups of people (ie: the week I entered the MTC, during last year's PwC leadership conference in Chicago). It's one of those awkward things that makes me feel self-conscious and I always think that people are staring at it during conversations, partly because I'm paranoid, but partly because people are staring at it. It makes me feel obligated to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I'm Bob and this is my cold sore."

It doesn't help that I came down to Provo last night and left my cold sore medicine in Salt Lake. I was going to buy some at the store because I could feel the cold sore starting last night, but the medicine was $15, so I'm sorey to say that I decided to tough it out until I got back to Salt Lake. In the meantime, my cold sore is on its way to becoming an eyesore. Now I'm trying to decide if that was worth $15.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Your Alt is my Command

I think the most frustrating part about my internship was trying to use a PC again. There were countless times when I hit alt+c to copy and alt+v to paste, before realizing that I'd forgotten a key element in my copy and paste routine: command. It was a classic case of the proverbial "I'm not in Kansas anymore." While it was a hard adjustment to make, it was even more depressing when I came back to my Mac after months of neglect and tried to copy a layer in Photoshop by hitting fn+c. How sad it was to see that in the space of not many months, my fingers had turned to PC keyboard placement, like a dog to its vomit.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Tornado

Yesterday I started the long trek West after finishing my winternship in Chicago. I wasn't in any hurry, though. I took things at a leisurely pace, went out to breakfast with a friend, and even took some things back to a store that I knew they didn't have in Salt Lake City. I headed out of Chicago at about 10am and felt pretty good about the day until I missed two exits and accidentally took a wrong exit right after a toll booth and had to pay the toll again thirty seconds later when I got back on the road.

Other than that, though, I felt very alert and calm as I was driving...until Nebraska.

Let me just start by saying that I've never had experience driving with tornadoes unless you count those nasty fried burrito things that they sell at gas stations that I have been prone to purchase at times. If the food is called a Tornado you can't really get angry for subsequent twisting feelings you get in your stomach during the aftermath. Anyway, that's besides the point--this was freaky.

I was driving along, blaring music from my iPod, and noticed that it was starting to rain a little bit. I didn't think too much of it and then I noticed giant lightening bolts a few miles ahead of me. Still, I just kept driving and turned up my music. Then, I looked off to the left-hand side of the road and saw the most magnificent looking storm that I've ever seen in my life. Dark clouds were culminating in the prairie sky and I saw an area of bright lights in the middle of the angry storm. The picture I posted above was the closest thing I could find that resembles what I saw.

At this point, I remembered that I was in Nebraska, that tornadoes happen in Nebraska, and that I should probably be listening to the radio instead of my iPod, just in case what I was witnessing was, in fact, life threatening.

I turned on the radio and the first station I came to was transmitting a tornado warning from the national weather service. I started to freak out. Then the DJ's came back on the radio and started telling listeners that the tornado had touched down 20 miles east of Lincoln, Nebraska right along Interstate 80 and was moving 60 mph towards Omaha. I looked at the green sign I was passing on the side of the road and saw that Lincoln was 22 miles away. The tornado they were talking about was right outside my window!

On the radio they were advising people to get to a basement immediately. "If you are in a car you need to get off the road and find shelter, you are not safe in your car, these storms will pick up cars," they said. And there I was, a boy from Salt Lake City, with no idea what to do. I didn't know if I should try to drive through the storm or if I should pull over and try to wait it out. Because there were no exits nearby, I decided to drive through the storm, until I realized that there was so much rain that I couldn't see a thing, even with my wipers on the fastest setting. So, I pulled over to the side of the road just in time for it to start hailing like crazy. It was coming down like crazy, which didn't help me to calm down in my already panicked state. It was too loud to call anyone, so I decided to send Maggie a scary text message, "Please pray for me. I'm stuck in a tornado in Nebraska."

After about five minutes, the hail stopped and I started on the road again. Luckily, with the storm moving as fast as it was, I wasn't in the commotion for too long. I was driving through crazy amounts of rain for the next little bit, but after that, I was able to calm down and be thankful that I was able to make it out of that experience safely.

I had to laugh when I saw an electronic sign right after the tornado that said, "Warning! High wind advisory. Dust blowing. Low viability" Clearly, someone had misspelled "visibility" but it was funny to read about low viability after I thought I might die.

The other fun part about Nebraska was when I was pulled over for speeding just before the Wyoming border. I was surprised because I wasn't really even going that fast. I was going 84 in a 75. That's probably why he only gave me a warning, which is lucky, because I was getting ready to bat my eyelashes and tell him a sob story.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pour Luck

I woke up this morning feeling like it would be hard to stay focused at work. It was nice to see that I was able to start the day off right by forgetting to shake my orange juice before pouring it over crushed ice. Luckily, as I was filling my glass, I noticed that the orange juice kept getting thicker and thicker as I poured, and looked espeically murky and sludgy towards the bottom of the bottle, which prompted me to stop pouring before I ended up with caked bits of concentrate sprinkled over my beverage. As I sipped my watered down juice, I couldn't help but think of all the watered down juice I've had at church dances, scout camps, and Sunday dinners when dad forgets to stir the pitcher. It's hard to be fruitful at work when you concentrate on concentrate. Thanks Tropicana, for reminding me that it would be hard to concentrate today.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Bummed Out

A couple of weeks ago I was walking to my friend's apartment to go to a birthday party for one of my friends in the YSA branch. The apartment was about two miles away and I was walking alone on a Sunday night.

As I was crossing the bridge on Michigan Avenue, I noticed a man begging for money, saying that he needed food. He had a two-year-old little boy with him and the man was pleading with everyone saying that he just wanted some food to feed his little boy. I only had a credit card, so I told him that I didn't have any cash and kept walking, but then I started feeling bad that I didn't offer to help at all. I thought of the little boy and couldn't help but think of my nieces and nephews.

At first I was thinking that I couldn't help him out because it was a Sunday and I didn't want to break the sabbath, but then I tried to think of what the Savior really would've done in that situation. I was a couple of blocks past him but felt like I should turn around, so I did. I walked up to him and said, "Hey, you need food?"

The man nodded.

"Cross the street with me," I said. "There's a Subway half a block south of here."

He winced upon hearing Subway and breathed in through his teeth in disappointment and said, "Aw man, Subway?"

I was surprised that he didn't want to eat fresh.

"Were you hoping to go some place else?" I asked.

"I dunno, I was thinkin' like McDonalds or somethin'. You know, to get a Happy Meal...for the kid," he said, pointing to his son.

Apparently beggers can be choosers.

I asked him if there was a McDonalds close by and he told me there was one about six-and-a-half blocks north on Michigan. I started to see where he was going with this.

"Alright, let's start walking," I said.

"Aw man," he said in a whiney tone. "That's pretty far. I don't wanna walk that far. I was prob'ly gonna to take the bus."

At that point, I was so frustrated with this guy that I just walked away from him. I couldn't take it anymore. I was bummed out. I couldn't believe how demanding this guy was when I tried to help him, and how selfish it was of him to make his son stand in the cold so he could get cash, not food, from people.

It reminded me of all the people that would try to hit me up for money on my mission. After I told one guy in Toronto that I didn't have any money he said, "Well, don't you have a credit card or something? Can't you go to the ATM?" The nerve.

The one time I really felt like we should give a guy money I didn't have any, so I told my senior companion to give him some. My companion handed him five or ten dollars and then we both watched the guy we had just helped walk across the street to the Beer Store to load up for the weekend. I was so mad I could barley stand it.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Left-Handed in a Right-Handed World

Tonight I wish to reach out to an oppressed minority group. Some of these people sit next to you on the bus, they work with you, they play sports, are engaged in the arts, and occasionally, they even give you a high-five. Who are these people? The lefties. And, as a south paw myself, I feel that I can be authoritative on this subject.

You wouldn't think it, but, one third of all children are born left-handed. You wouldn't know it, either, because many lefties are oppressed into right-handedness. This form of dexterouscide (see also leftnic cleansing) limits lefty liberties even more, because if less left-handers exist, no one will have to cater to their needs. But, I am here to make a stand. I'm here to say that if no one were left, I wouldn't be alright with all right.

Here are just a few of the many left-handicaps:

  • playing violin
  • can openers
  • spiral notebooks
  • check marks (you wouldn't think it, but the action is very right-hander friendly)
  • cursive
  • driving manual
  • starting lawn mowers, chain saws, etc
  • scissors
  • handshakes (except for in Boy Scouts)
  • drinking fountain buttons
  • the computer mouse
  • 10-key typing
  • car ignitions
  • cameras
  • wristwatches (I dare you to change the time without taking off your watch)

And I feel like I could go on forever. However, to be fair, there are some left-hander-friendly activities, too:

  • eating Continental style
  • rolling down the driver's side window (see also locking your friends out of the car right before they lift up the handle, then unlocking it, and locking it again right before they open the door)
  • bowling (I guess the floor isn't as worn down for lefties. I think I'm bad enough to disprove this one, though)
  • baseball
  • wedding rings
  • being right-brained
  • early death
  • nasty graphite/ink smears on your hand after writing for hours
  • people watch you while you write because it looks weird
  • people gawk at the way you hold and deal cards in card games

If those last four won't make you want to be left-handed, I'm not sure what will.

And so, although I know things aren't likely to change in my lifetime, There will come a day when there will be equal rights for lefts. I hope that my fellow left-handers won't give up hope by becoming right-handers. Just remember that when it comes to dexterity, it is better to have left and lost, than to never have left at all.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ronald Burris

This past January, when Blagojevich-appointed Ronald Burris took over as the newest U.S. Senator, everyone was a little wary of the whole situation. In attempt to quell the fears of the American people and the people of Illinois, Senator Burris testified under oath that he did not seek to raise funds for Blagojevich while seeking the Senate seat. While this testimony was meant to free Senator Burris of his guilt by association, instead of purging him it may have perjured him, costing him a reputation he spent a lifetime trying to establish. I still don't have all the facts, but the people of Illinois have had to handle a scandal too many this year, and everyone at work seems to be a little fed up with the state's latest political em"Burris"ment.