Sunday, February 22, 2009

Left-Handed in a Right-Handed World

Tonight I wish to reach out to an oppressed minority group. Some of these people sit next to you on the bus, they work with you, they play sports, are engaged in the arts, and occasionally, they even give you a high-five. Who are these people? The lefties. And, as a south paw myself, I feel that I can be authoritative on this subject.

You wouldn't think it, but, one third of all children are born left-handed. You wouldn't know it, either, because many lefties are oppressed into right-handedness. This form of dexterouscide (see also leftnic cleansing) limits lefty liberties even more, because if less left-handers exist, no one will have to cater to their needs. But, I am here to make a stand. I'm here to say that if no one were left, I wouldn't be alright with all right.

Here are just a few of the many left-handicaps:

  • playing violin
  • can openers
  • spiral notebooks
  • check marks (you wouldn't think it, but the action is very right-hander friendly)
  • cursive
  • driving manual
  • starting lawn mowers, chain saws, etc
  • scissors
  • handshakes (except for in Boy Scouts)
  • drinking fountain buttons
  • the computer mouse
  • 10-key typing
  • car ignitions
  • cameras
  • wristwatches (I dare you to change the time without taking off your watch)

And I feel like I could go on forever. However, to be fair, there are some left-hander-friendly activities, too:

  • eating Continental style
  • rolling down the driver's side window (see also locking your friends out of the car right before they lift up the handle, then unlocking it, and locking it again right before they open the door)
  • bowling (I guess the floor isn't as worn down for lefties. I think I'm bad enough to disprove this one, though)
  • baseball
  • wedding rings
  • being right-brained
  • early death
  • nasty graphite/ink smears on your hand after writing for hours
  • people watch you while you write because it looks weird
  • people gawk at the way you hold and deal cards in card games

If those last four won't make you want to be left-handed, I'm not sure what will.

And so, although I know things aren't likely to change in my lifetime, There will come a day when there will be equal rights for lefts. I hope that my fellow left-handers won't give up hope by becoming right-handers. Just remember that when it comes to dexterity, it is better to have left and lost, than to never have left at all.


MMMegan said...

I'm sorry you feel so left out. It just isn't right.

Becky said...

I had a teacher in junior high that was left handed and she did her check marks backward.

Mindy Gray said...

AMEN! I couldn't have said it any better. Here are some of the annoying things you Left out about being left-handed:
-writing on a whiteboard without smearing what you just wrote, and trying to see it while you're writing
- Punch bowl ladels, the one with only one pour spout
- school desks, especially the auditorium seats with the flip-down tablet
- fishing poles
- taping/casting. When I learned how to do this for work, everybody told me I was doing it backwards. whatever.

the only upside I thought of was golf, apparently I'm supposed to be better because I'm a lefty, but I don't get the scores to back that up.

Anyway, just thought I'd put in my two cents - or whatever sense I have left.

Angelica said...

Wow! Can openers? I never knew. Thank you for opening up my eyes.

Bobby said...

Yeah, I forgot to mention button-up shirts (at least for guys). I was so happy when I finally found a white shirt hanging in the laundry room with buttons on the left side. After I put it on, I realized that it wasn't a man's shirt at all--it was my mom's! I kind of left like Michael Scott when he accidentally cross-dressed, "The buttons are on the wrong side of the suit, that's why it's so mysterious!"