Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Melons

Some of you have already heard this story, but it's a classic, so I figured I would share it with everyone.

A couple of weeks ago at work everyone was eating lunch in the cafeteria. A guy at work opened up a Snapple green tea and under the cap of his drink was printed the usual unusual fact that he read aloud, "#244 The watermelon seed-spitting world record is about 70 feet."

A couple of people at the table doubted it. "Do you have any idea how far 70 feet is?" one guy asked. He stood up and walked about 30 paces to the edge of the lunch room and said, "This is about 30 feet. There is NO WAY someone could spit a watermelon seed 70 feet!"

Then the partner of our engagement piped up in his New York accent and said, "Yes they could! I could proahbably spit a woatuhmelon seed 60 feet. We have woatuhmelon seed-spitting coantests awl the time at family pahties."

No one believed him, which made him even more insistent. He was sitting about 20 feet away from me at the other end of a long cafeteria table and said, "You don't believe me? If I had a seed raight now, I could proahbably hit Bob raight in the fah-head"

Then I fired back at him and said, "Yeah, but Barry, that's not even impressive because my head is huge!"

The whole lunch room erupted into laughter and Barry's face turned bright red. He was laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke on his food.

No one had said anything about my melon up to that point in time but they were all laughing like I had just told the joke they knew I was the punch line of from the moment they met me.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Cold Sores

Someone once told me that if you haven't had a cold sore by the time you're 14, you're immune, and you'll never have one. Good one. Real funny.

I actually never had a cold sore until I was almost finished with my freshman year of college. It was an awful and unsightly experience and one that was completely new to me. I was happy when it was finally gone, but soon learned that it would come back to visit from time to time. It usually takes a year-long sabbatical before coming back and making a reservation right smack dab in the middle of my upper lip. The only things that are more obvious are 1) when you get a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer pimple right on the tip of your nose, or 2) when you have a zit right between your eyebrows that looks like a red jewel you sometimes see women from India wearing on their foreheads.

Why do I write about this? Because the aforementioned cold sore decided to have spring break on my lip. Also, whenever it comes back, I always have a bright recollection of all my past cold sores. The worst part about this recurring monstrosity is that it always comes at times when I'm going to be meeting large groups of people (ie: the week I entered the MTC, during last year's PwC leadership conference in Chicago). It's one of those awkward things that makes me feel self-conscious and I always think that people are staring at it during conversations, partly because I'm paranoid, but partly because people are staring at it. It makes me feel obligated to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I'm Bob and this is my cold sore."

It doesn't help that I came down to Provo last night and left my cold sore medicine in Salt Lake. I was going to buy some at the store because I could feel the cold sore starting last night, but the medicine was $15, so I'm sorey to say that I decided to tough it out until I got back to Salt Lake. In the meantime, my cold sore is on its way to becoming an eyesore. Now I'm trying to decide if that was worth $15.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Your Alt is my Command

I think the most frustrating part about my internship was trying to use a PC again. There were countless times when I hit alt+c to copy and alt+v to paste, before realizing that I'd forgotten a key element in my copy and paste routine: command. It was a classic case of the proverbial "I'm not in Kansas anymore." While it was a hard adjustment to make, it was even more depressing when I came back to my Mac after months of neglect and tried to copy a layer in Photoshop by hitting fn+c. How sad it was to see that in the space of not many months, my fingers had turned to PC keyboard placement, like a dog to its vomit.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Tornado

Yesterday I started the long trek West after finishing my winternship in Chicago. I wasn't in any hurry, though. I took things at a leisurely pace, went out to breakfast with a friend, and even took some things back to a store that I knew they didn't have in Salt Lake City. I headed out of Chicago at about 10am and felt pretty good about the day until I missed two exits and accidentally took a wrong exit right after a toll booth and had to pay the toll again thirty seconds later when I got back on the road.

Other than that, though, I felt very alert and calm as I was driving...until Nebraska.


Let me just start by saying that I've never had experience driving with tornadoes unless you count those nasty fried burrito things that they sell at gas stations that I have been prone to purchase at times. If the food is called a Tornado you can't really get angry for subsequent twisting feelings you get in your stomach during the aftermath. Anyway, that's besides the point--this was freaky.

I was driving along, blaring music from my iPod, and noticed that it was starting to rain a little bit. I didn't think too much of it and then I noticed giant lightening bolts a few miles ahead of me. Still, I just kept driving and turned up my music. Then, I looked off to the left-hand side of the road and saw the most magnificent looking storm that I've ever seen in my life. Dark clouds were culminating in the prairie sky and I saw an area of bright lights in the middle of the angry storm. The picture I posted above was the closest thing I could find that resembles what I saw.

At this point, I remembered that I was in Nebraska, that tornadoes happen in Nebraska, and that I should probably be listening to the radio instead of my iPod, just in case what I was witnessing was, in fact, life threatening.

I turned on the radio and the first station I came to was transmitting a tornado warning from the national weather service. I started to freak out. Then the DJ's came back on the radio and started telling listeners that the tornado had touched down 20 miles east of Lincoln, Nebraska right along Interstate 80 and was moving 60 mph towards Omaha. I looked at the green sign I was passing on the side of the road and saw that Lincoln was 22 miles away. The tornado they were talking about was right outside my window!

On the radio they were advising people to get to a basement immediately. "If you are in a car you need to get off the road and find shelter, you are not safe in your car, these storms will pick up cars," they said. And there I was, a boy from Salt Lake City, with no idea what to do. I didn't know if I should try to drive through the storm or if I should pull over and try to wait it out. Because there were no exits nearby, I decided to drive through the storm, until I realized that there was so much rain that I couldn't see a thing, even with my wipers on the fastest setting. So, I pulled over to the side of the road just in time for it to start hailing like crazy. It was coming down like crazy, which didn't help me to calm down in my already panicked state. It was too loud to call anyone, so I decided to send Maggie a scary text message, "Please pray for me. I'm stuck in a tornado in Nebraska."

After about five minutes, the hail stopped and I started on the road again. Luckily, with the storm moving as fast as it was, I wasn't in the commotion for too long. I was driving through crazy amounts of rain for the next little bit, but after that, I was able to calm down and be thankful that I was able to make it out of that experience safely.

I had to laugh when I saw an electronic sign right after the tornado that said, "Warning! High wind advisory. Dust blowing. Low viability" Clearly, someone had misspelled "visibility" but it was funny to read about low viability after I thought I might die.

The other fun part about Nebraska was when I was pulled over for speeding just before the Wyoming border. I was surprised because I wasn't really even going that fast. I was going 84 in a 75. That's probably why he only gave me a warning, which is lucky, because I was getting ready to bat my eyelashes and tell him a sob story.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pour Luck

I woke up this morning feeling like it would be hard to stay focused at work. It was nice to see that I was able to start the day off right by forgetting to shake my orange juice before pouring it over crushed ice. Luckily, as I was filling my glass, I noticed that the orange juice kept getting thicker and thicker as I poured, and looked espeically murky and sludgy towards the bottom of the bottle, which prompted me to stop pouring before I ended up with caked bits of concentrate sprinkled over my beverage. As I sipped my watered down juice, I couldn't help but think of all the watered down juice I've had at church dances, scout camps, and Sunday dinners when dad forgets to stir the pitcher. It's hard to be fruitful at work when you concentrate on concentrate. Thanks Tropicana, for reminding me that it would be hard to concentrate today.