Monday, April 20, 2009

While you are sleeping...

About every other day I wake up and find one or two wolf spiders in the basin of my bathtub. Just so you all know, I am TERRIFIED of creepy crawlers. I'm not talking about the bake-your-own Creepy Crawlers gummy toys that were advertised heavily in my youth (Johnny Mahoney got the oven for Christmas one year).
I'm talking about things like spiders and centipedes, things that you see in your house that may or may not crawl on your face while you sleep.
When somebody told me in junior high that, on average, you swallow twenty-seven bugs and one-and-a-half spiders per year, I freaked out and slept with my head under the covers for about six months. I slept with fear that I would be bitten by a brown recluse and the poison would eat away my nose and I'd have to wear a detachable nose for the rest of my life like the guy I saw on Ripley's Believe it or Not. What, nobody else had that fear?

The "half" of one-and-a-half spiders became a lot more real after my roommate, Ryan, told me that he woke up one morning on his mission in the Philippines and had some legs and part of a wing of a cockroach sticking out of his lips. He realized he had eaten a cockroach that night! He knew transfers were coming up soon so he slept with a sock in his mouth until he was transferred a week later.

My other roommate, Scott, was in the Philippines and a cockroach bit his lip while he was sleeping. His lip suffered significant swelling after the cockroach tore into it with its dirty jaws.

I'm actually getting really creeped out just writing this post. I think if someone were to come up behind me and grab my shoulders and scream or blow on my neck I would accidentally kick my computer off of the couch.

Don't get me wrong, I don't scream like little girl when I see these things, they just give me the willies and make me shiver and make me scared to do certain things. For example, at my old house I used to be very cavalier about sleeping on the floor of the living room. Yeah, I know, it's not a good place to take a nap and you'd think that having your ribs hurt when you wake up would be enough to dissuade such a habit, but it wasn't. I'll tell you what was enough to get me to never sleep on the floor again, though–I saw two wolf spiders that, with their legs, each had the circumference of a clementine orange.

Anyway, at least with the spiders that are always waiting in my bathtub, even though they still give me the heebie-jeebies, I've gotten to the point where I can at least still function, instead of stopping in frozen fear. Now I clean while I kill. I take whatever cleaning agent I can find and spray those suckers down until they wither and die and then turn on the shower until they float down the drain.

Anything to not have to try to grab them with a tissue and risk them crawling out of the tissue onto my hand. Plus, that way my fingers never have to feel chitin crushing and bodies popping through a tissue.


Lizzie Jones said...

Gross. Gross gross gross gross. This is the grossest blog post in the history of blog posts. I'm going to no refer to it as the Blog Grost.

Joseph said...

I've heard about the whole swallow spiders in your sleep thing. I was freaked out too, but then thought "Hey, insects always taste better with a chocolate coating!"

So I put a few Hershey's kisses in my mouth and just let them melt in there before I go to sleep. I think it works pretty well. I haven't noticed any bugs. The downside is I've lost several of my teeth over the past few months, so I guess it's a wash.

P.S. I found a black widow in my garage last week. I've never seen one before, but this one was real. AND I felt it pop like squirty gum in a napkin.

Laura said...

But aren't you nervous that they somehow WON'T die and they'll come back up the drain while you're showering and crawl on you? Yup, I've thought about this long and hard. I'm a firm believer they have to go to the toilet, not the trash. I'll have to tell you my trash story one of these days....