Monday, November 22, 2010

Oatmeal Explosion

I once burned microwavable popcorn three times in a row. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. One thing I do know, though, is that I never heard the end of it. And so, it is with hesitation that I share this, but I think you should know: today I botched instant oatmeal. I filled a large soup cup with water and oatmeal and threw it in the microwave at work, and after about a-minute-and-a-half, I smelled burning. I opened the microwave door and saw strawberry oatmeal splattered all over the place. I grabbed an army of paper towels and disconglobulated the microwave tray with towel after towel until it was finally clean. The seam of the paper oatmeal container was singed with a dark brown burn and the cup was boiling lava hot. Morsels of oatmeal magma clung to the outer rim of the container. I quickly stirred the oatmeal, but as I pulled out the plastic spoon, I noticed it was all warped and disfigured. It was at that point that I realized I had no idea whether I had cooked the plastic spoon in the microwave with the oatmeal for two minutes or whether the spoon had melted of its own accord. I couldn't stomach the thought of ingesting melted plastic, so I just threw it all away. I learned an important lesson today, though. Mainly that "disfigured" is fun to say with an Irish accent. Just make sure to pronounce it as "disfiggered."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Aerosol Factory

So, I found out I'll be counting inventory at an aerosol factory.

Tumbleweed blows

Yep.

Cricket chirps

It was actually pretty interesting speaking with the controller of the company.

Ribbet, ribbet

He said I'll have to watch a safety video.

Coughing sound coming from the back of an auditorium

Here's how it went down:

"Have you ever been do an aerosol factory before?" he asked.

"Nope," I responded.

"You haven't?" he asked in disbelief.

"No, I really haven't," I said.

Was he really that surprised? Aerosol factories aren't exactly tourist traps. It's not like your friend comes to Chicago and you say, "Oh hey, while you're here, you should hit up Navy Pier and the aerosol factory. You can also go to the Sears Tower, Millennium Park, or the Magnificent Mile; the Aquarium, zoo, or the Science and Industry Museum; a Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs, or White Sox game--but only if you have time. Definitely go to the aerosol factory, though."

Then came his moment of glory:

"Well, you need to watch the safety video then, because the slightest spark can make these gases catch fire and explode. The thing with aerosols is, they burn so hot they burn clear. You can't even see the flames. The only thing you notice is the flesh falling off your bones."

Hey man. Quit trying to make your job sound cooler than it is. I mean, I'm all about taking pride in your work and all, but say it, don't spray it.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Type Racer

I may or may not have just engaged in the nerdiest pastime ever. I heard Brooke typing to a friend while we were video chatting and it sounded like she was typing pretty fast; so, I challenged her to round of Type Racer. In other words: a dork duel. Type Racer is a site my accounting friends introduced me to a couple of years ago. We would race each other on occasion and revel in our nerdery. Brooke smoked me in the first couple of rounds, but my fingers were just getting warmed up. Once I broke 100 wpm, I never looked back. I guess building web sites all the time in 7th grade instead of hanging out with friends is finally paying dividends. Yep. I'm officially a geek.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

ESPN Tangier Island Commercial

The commercial speaks for itself when the guy from Tangier Island speaks for himself. He's a court recorder's worst nightmare. Suddenly, thick Utah accents sound refined to me. Same goes for the accents just outside of Ottawa. Oh yeah.