Bloggy LeBaron

Robert Paul LeBaron, CPA

2011-09-18T12:54:00.001-07:00

Well, almost... I still have to take the open book ethics exam, buuuuut the results are in and I PASSED all four of the hard sections of the exam. Phew! Now I can go back to normal life after work instead of watching accounting lectures on my computer. It's nice to be able to do whatever I want instead of feeling guilty for not studying. Annnnd, it'll be nice to collect on a fat bonus at work.

And it will be nice to get back to blogging.

What weirdness did you miss while I was away?

I saw a man in a business suit full on punt a pigeon while I was walking to the PwC office. An explosion of feathers ensued and the disgruntled man mumbled to himself like Harry on Home Alone and the pigeon hobbled away. When I returned to the scene of the crime after attending a meeting, I could still see feathers floating about the street corner. I turned to my co-worker and said, "You know, some people might be wondering why those feathers are there, but we know what really happened."

I also saw a construction worker light a cigarette with a flame thrower. Yeah, it was awesome.

And there was more, but I want to make sure I post this.

Building Evacuated

2011-04-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

They're evacuating the building, but it's not an emergency. Right...

Bomb Threat

2011-04-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, there's a bomb threat at my building. They evacuated everybody on floors two through four, but apparently I wouldn't be hurt on the 8th floor if the building collapsed. I can see a mass of paramedics, police officers, and fire trucks and some crime scene tape out the front window. Hopefully the police have things under control because they just recalled all of the elevators and told us to stay put over the loud speaker.

Pedestrian Traffic Sounds

2011-04-19T10:20:00.001-07:00

When Mary and I were down at BYU my freshmen year, we noticed a lot of people walking around campus with rolling backpacks. We would often mistake the students lugging roller bags for skateboarders about to hit us and would scurry out of the way, only to find that they weren't skateboarders at all, rather Mormon speedwalkers hauling books in rollerblade handcarts. No matter how many times I heard the sound, it always through me off. These days, I'm the one throwing people off. I have a certain pair of brown shoes with a hard heel that click and clack on hard surfaces so as to make it sound like I'm wearing heels. It's embarrassing. I keep thinking that the sound is somehow masculine, but all I hear is stilettos. Guess I never got the memo. So, I think I either need to get a new pair of brown dress shoes or stop walking through the pedway so I can avoid the stretches of slate and lanes of linoleum.

Sunrises

2011-04-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I've always had mountains to the east and maybe it's because I always slept in, but I don't feel like I had ever seen a sunrise until I came to Chicago.

They sure are amazing, though. I love waking up to a burnt orange glow emanating through the apartment. The view is only going to get more beautiful once the sailboats repopulate the harbor upon their return from a wintry absence.

Happy Seminary Birthday

2011-03-11T17:38:00.000-08:00

Cole Schutjer sent me a text this afternoon that made my day.

"Happy Seminary Birthday!"

To explain this joke, I'll borrow from my Rob Labaron post I wrote a couple of years ago:

It kind of reminded me of how in seminary my birthday was listed as March 11, 1985. I didn't realize they had the wrong birthday until I walked into seminary on March 11th and people started singing. Apparently whoever typed it into the database confused 11/3 with 3/11. If you're dyslexic and you know it palc your shand.

I had forgotten about that story until Cole reminded me today. It's a classic example of one of the little things in life that make life funny.

In other news, a guy at work keeps insisting that from now on he's going to start pronouncing my name backwards. It's a classic example of one of the little things in life that isn't funny. Even the twelfth time.

However, right after that guy called me boB, a girl at work told me an awesome story about a lady in Ohio who was convinced she was a vampire, to the extent that she got long vampire crowns to cap her canines. Apparently my friend's dad is an OBGYN and he delivered the vampire lady's baby right after midnight on New Year's Day, so the newspaper took a picture of the lady with her baby since it was the first baby born in 2010. The lady named her baby Alucard. Being a vampire baby sucks.

Back Sheet Driving

2011-02-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

There's nothing worse than somebody in the car telling you what turns to make when you know exactly where you're going. I get that. But let's face it, you don't need to be in a back seat to tell somebody what to do.

Dad illustrated that perfectly when he stated, "If you're ever lost in the woods, you can just start playing a game of Free Cell and eventually somebody will walk up behind you and start telling you where to put your cards and then you can ask them how to get out of the forest."

I've noticed accountants get a little protective of their spreadsheet formulas. I love fixing an 'if' statement as well as the next nerd, but I've learned that when I'm standing behind someone, watching them insert a formula like

=LEFT(R3,LEN(R3)-2)&" US "&RIGHT(G3,10)&" "&IF(E3="Put",,"P","C")&MID(G3,FIND(" ",G3)+1,FIND("STRIKE",G3)-FIND(" ",G3)-2) =IF(AND(TEXT(AN3,"mm/dd/yyyy")

=IF(AG19="Not Valued","Not Valued",IF(AND(ABS(P19)>'Sheet1'!$M$6,ABS('Sheet2'!AG19)>VLOOKUP(AA19,'Sheet1'!$O$7:$Q$11,3,FALSE),"Yes","No"))

and they get this

that it's probably not a good idea to immediately tell them where they messed up. Some people just need to work formulas out on their own. Because if you do tell them they need to delete a double comma in an 'if' statement or add a closing parenthesis for an 'and' statement, you're likely to get rolling eyes, an "I know" or some other snippy response.

In other words

=if(or(Auditor="rolling eyes",Auditor="I know",Auditor="snippy response"),"Bob is a back sheet driver","Bob let them figure it out on their own")

Ramping Up Busy Season

2011-02-04T21:51:00.000-08:00

When you're at the office on a Saturday and you've already worked for 70 hours during the week, sometimes you just need to take a break. My boss got a race car for Christmas, so I helped him set up a sweet ramp.

I got the angle right on my first try. Napoleon Dynamite could take some pointers from me.

Whiteout

2011-02-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

At first the storm didn't look too bad.

Then it got worse.

And worse.

And worse. I'm so glad I don't live in a teepee.

Robot Best Friend

2011-01-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Justin Meier showed me a KSL article about a couple of BYU students that are one of the five finalists for the Doritos Crash the Superbowl competition. The commercial they made is pretty good (the picture quality is best if you hit the bottom right button to make the video full screen).

But, unfortunately, methinks this one is better.

Heuristics

2011-01-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

As a general rule, whenever you look outside and Lake Michigan is frozen, the day will be unconscionably cold.

Everybody Has This Scarf

2011-01-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

If you haven't noticed already, everybody has Burberry. I didn't notice it until a month ago, but it's true. Burberry is becoming a super trend. Kind of like JNCO's back in the late 90's, except not ugly. People with the Burberry scarf don't like it when you point it out though. They take it personally, like you've taken a jab at their first-mover status. They scarf for attention but don't care to have attention called to it. It's okay guys, you can be in the trend but not of the trend.

I'm not saying it's bad to be a Burberryist. I'm sure I should very much like Burberrying. All I'm saying is I noticed two of my friends had the scarf and while I was thinking about it on the way to work I saw two men and three women with the scarf before I had crossed Michigan Avenue. Then while I was stopped at a crosswalk I noticed the woman standing next to me was sporting the scarf. Immediately upon recognizing her scarf, a car pulled up to the light in front of me, whose driver was also wearing Burberry. I could go on, but you get the idea. Now, whenever I go to restaurants I try to count how many Burberry scarves I can spot. It's not uncommon to see six or seven. It's fun. Now that you know you'll see them all the time, too.

The Lost and Found Spittoon

2010-12-21T04:56:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I go to church at an elementary school. Something about me being in an elementary school brings back my mind of mischief and makes me want to put tin foil gum wrappers in the electrical outlets again, but that's beside the point.

Just after Thanksgiving I was looking for a garbage can to get rid of my gum, but there were none to be found. There were recycling bins all over the place, but I figured if you're not even supposed to swallow gum you probably shouldn't recycle it. Hmm, I guess you're not supposed to swallow aluminum cans or milk jugs either. Sorry, my bad. Faulty logic.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, looking for a garbage can. I finally found one down the hall in a corner. It was a square bin with a black garbage liner. In other words, a garbage can. But, after I threw my gum in and looked down I noticed a big pile of coats. I was so perplexed. It wasn't until a few weeks later that they put up a sign indicating that the square garbage can was actually the Lost and Found. Nice job principal's office. Way to delegate to the garbage.

So, now I just stick my gum under the seats. And yes, for those of you that were wondering, I did fetch my gum from the bin as soon as I noticed the pile of coats. I was too worried that Tiny Tim would get a gum dreadlock in his armpit, what with the crutches and all.

Dream Jokes

2010-12-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

I don't dream often. But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. No, but seriously, I hardly ever remember my dreams. Last night's was vivid, though. Tommy was attempting to tell a joke at the dinner table and I was walking him through it because he pulled a mom and kept forgetting how it went. It's funny how I knew the punchline of the joke as Tommy was telling it in my dream, even though the joke didn't exist. It went like this:

So, a giraffe was talking to a cheetah and said, "So, what are you going to name your kid?"

"Clyde," said the cheetah.

"Well, how will that name help your baby know that it belongs to you?" asked the giraffe.

The cheetah thought for a minute, but couldn't think of a good answer. "I dunno," he said. "What did you name your kid to help it know that it belonged to you?"

The giraffe stared at the cheetah and said, "I'm a giraffe, baby!"

Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense. It's kind of funny if you have the right deliver, but it still doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make sense. The last joke I told in my dreams was better.

Oatmeal Explosion

2010-11-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

I once burned microwavable popcorn three times in a row. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. One thing I do know, though, is that I never heard the end of it. And so, it is with hesitation that I share this, but I think you should know: today I botched instant oatmeal. I filled a large soup cup with water and oatmeal and threw it in the microwave at work, and after about a-minute-and-a-half, I smelled burning. I opened the microwave door and saw strawberry oatmeal splattered all over the place. I grabbed an army of paper towels and disconglobulated the microwave tray with towel after towel until it was finally clean. The seam of the paper oatmeal container was singed with a dark brown burn and the cup was boiling lava hot. Morsels of oatmeal magma clung to the outer rim of the container. I quickly stirred the oatmeal, but as I pulled out the plastic spoon, I noticed it was all warped and disfigured. It was at that point that I realized I had no idea whether I had cooked the plastic spoon in the microwave with the oatmeal for two minutes or whether the spoon had melted of its own accord. I couldn't stomach the thought of ingesting melted plastic, so I just threw it all away. I learned an important lesson today, though. Mainly that "disfigured" is fun to say with an Irish accent. Just make sure to pronounce it as "disfiggered."

The Aerosol Factory

2010-11-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

So, I found out I'll be counting inventory at an aerosol factory.

Tumbleweed blows

Yep.

Cricket chirps

It was actually pretty interesting speaking with the controller of the company.

Ribbet, ribbet

He said I'll have to watch a safety video.

Coughing sound coming from the back of an auditorium

Here's how it went down:

"Have you ever been do an aerosol factory before?" he asked.

"Nope," I responded.

"You haven't?" he asked in disbelief.

"No, I really haven't," I said.

Was he really that surprised? Aerosol factories aren't exactly tourist traps. It's not like your friend comes to Chicago and you say, "Oh hey, while you're here, you should hit up Navy Pier and the aerosol factory. You can also go to the Sears Tower, Millennium Park, or the Magnificent Mile; the Aquarium, zoo, or the Science and Industry Museum; a Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs, or White Sox game--but only if you have time. Definitely go to the aerosol factory, though."

Then came his moment of glory:

"Well, you need to watch the safety video then, because the slightest spark can make these gases catch fire and explode. The thing with aerosols is, they burn so hot they burn clear. You can't even see the flames. The only thing you notice is the flesh falling off your bones."

Hey man. Quit trying to make your job sound cooler than it is. I mean, I'm all about taking pride in your work and all, but say it, don't spray it.

Type Racer

2010-11-08T21:12:00.001-08:00

I may or may not have just engaged in the nerdiest pastime ever. I heard Brooke typing to a friend while we were video chatting and it sounded like she was typing pretty fast; so, I challenged her to round of Type Racer. In other words: a dork duel. Type Racer is a site my accounting friends introduced me to a couple of years ago. We would race each other on occasion and revel in our nerdery. Brooke smoked me in the first couple of rounds, but my fingers were just getting warmed up. Once I broke 100 wpm, I never looked back. I guess building web sites all the time in 7th grade instead of hanging out with friends is finally paying dividends. Yep. I'm officially a geek.

ESPN Tangier Island Commercial

2010-11-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

The commercial speaks for itself when the guy from Tangier Island speaks for himself. He's a court recorder's worst nightmare. Suddenly, thick Utah accents sound refined to me. Same goes for the accents just outside of Ottawa. Oh yeah.

The Chi-clone

2010-10-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

So, the Chi-clone wasn't all it was cracked up to be. There were no witches getting hit by flying houses, no capsized vessels, and, surprisingly, not too much rain; albeit, right when I woke up, it was a pretty steady downpour and there were white caps in the harbor of Lake Michigan. Apparently, everyone who tried to go to work at 8:00 got absolutely clobbered by the rain, but by the time I left for work at 8:20, the storm had ceased. Everything was fine. No wind. No rain. Nada.

The wind picked up that afternoon, though. The building at work was subtly swaying with the wind, rocking back and forth like a cruise ship. I got used to it after a while, but the lights swinging above my head like the pendulum of a grandfather clock were a constant reminder. The powerful gusts of wind flexed the glass windows, making the walls next to my cubicle creak. The eerie sounds made it felt like I was working on a pirate ship, 'cept fer we be speakin' proper English.

The crazy thing is, I was only on the 8th floor. Made me wonder what kind of party the wind was having up on 34.

The Great Lakes Cyclone

2010-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's gonna be bad. Severe storms are set to hit Chicago tomorrow morning around 4am, slow down tomorrow night, and then pick up again on Wednesday morning and last until 7pm Wednesday night. The National Weather Service is calling it "The Great Lakes Cyclone" and says will rank among the most powerful cyclones in the last hundred years. It's predicted to be the equivalent of a category three hurricane, so watch out for flying shopping carts and road signs, falling trees, and smashing pumpkins. Seriously.

Old Spice Wrestlers

2010-10-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon an Old Spice commercial while I was supposed to be studying for the CPA exam this weekend. It's an old favorite of mine that I love for two reasons: first, because it's so awkward; second, because I was on the Olympus Junior High wrestling team and used to rock the singlet.

I would attach a picture of me in my singlet back in the day, but I didn't feel like using the pixelate tool in Photoshop tonight, so you don't get the privilege. I was pretty strong back then, though. Have you ever seen a 100lb boy in a singlet? It's pretty intimidating. Especially when his head weighs 30. I actually missed my only match one year because I had to take a safety test for woodshop. I was so mad. Mr. Pixton was so lame.

One funny thing, though... We learned this move called the chicken wing and to put someone in the chicken wing they have to be on their stomach and you put your hands underneath their elbows and pull their arms up behind them like chicken wings and you walk sideways across the mat while they're writhing in agony and they eventually flip over on their back and you pin them. Yeah, I know, it doesn't make sense, but hopefully you fighters out there follow what I'm sayin'.

Well, it was while we were learning this move that I figured out that I'm freakishly double-jointed in my shoulders. We were supposed to lie on our stomachs and bend our arms like wings so the other wrestler could practice the move. I wasn't really paying attention when the coach explained the move to us so I just laid on my back and made wings that came in front of my body instead of behind. The kid I was wrestling with just looked at me and said, "That's weird. I don't think you're supposed to be able to do that." It was so funny and even more funny because I had a bowl cut at the time.

Recruiting

2010-10-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

It's interesting being on the other side of the coin for recruiting. You notice people rubbing sweaty palms on their pants. Awkwardly placed nervous laughs. Jittery legs bouncing. Onslaughts of overly-interested questions. Weary lips from plastered smiles.

A kid sitting across from me at the dinner table made eye contact with me and then leaned in to ask me a question as I masticated a meaty morsel of filet mignon.

"Any final words of advice before interviews tomorrow?" he asked.

I mustered up the best straight-faced look I could and stared him down the barrel.

"Yeah, don't screw up."

Just easin' the tension.

Teenage Dream

2010-10-15T20:55:00.001-07:00

I found this treasure a couple of weeks ago and thought I'd finally pass it along. It requires no explanation, aside from the fact that this kid is 16. And a facial expression mastermind. And creepy. And the spawn of John Daker.

P.S. The comments on this video were amazing. After 11 million views they ought to be. My favorite was the first one I saw:

"2:51 Way to give me nightmares kid..."

Safety Goggles

2010-09-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to Chicago, church was about 40 minutes away, but we just moved to a rented space a little closer to downtown, about 15 minutes from my apartment. The building we're renting is actually an elementary school, so it's fun to sit in small chairs and have the periodic table of elements handy if I ever need to understand the facsimiles in the Pearl of Great Price. We have Sunday School in the science room and I saw this poster hanging next to the instructor.

It's the kind of poster I wish I had come up with. I like how it elicits fear while still maintaining its awesomeness. I kind of want to make it into a t-shirt.

Dan, the Shoe Shine Man

2010-09-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking home from work on Columbus Street and a big, burly black guy in a Chicago Bears jersey approached me and said, "Shoe shine, sir?"

My shoes actually did need to be shined, but, to be honest, I was in a poorly lit part of town and I just wanted to keep moving. "No thanks," I said and kept walking.

Then he said, "Wait, sir, I jus' needa tell you sometin'. Da bes' shoe shine polish you can buy is da kiwi shoe shine polish. You also need to buy one of dese here Kiwi buffuhs to get da nice shine. My name's Dan the Shoe Shine Man." He extended his hand and I took it. "I shine shoes domestically and internationally. Let me show–" Dan squirted polish onto my left shoe as we're talking and got down on one knee and patted his knee a couple of times, inviting my shoe to take its spot while he shined it. "–you somethin'."

I put my foot on his knee and he rubbed the polish all around my shoe with his fingers and then pulled out a dirty towel and started polishing away and singing while he worked, "You gotta look real nice and neat while you out here on Columbus Street." It made me crack a smile. Okay, enough with the rhymes. I didn't even want my shoes shined in the first place. But there I was. It looked like he was doing a good job. I peered over my shoulder periodically to make sure I wasn't going to get mugged. I felt like a sitting duck with my laptop bag and one shoe up on Dan's knee.

He started telling me all this other stuff and then paused before he used the Kiwi polish finisher. "I like to bend the tip of the shoe to make sure it all goes down in the cracks," he explained. He finished polishing and then had me compare the polished shoe with the old shoe. I was sure that he was going to say, "Okay, now, if you want the other shoe done you've gottta pay," but he didn't. He just grabbed my other shoe and started polishing. Then he started telling me about how he shines shoes globally and domestically again, so I said, skeptically, "You shine shoes internationally?"

"Yes sir," he said.

"Where do you shine shoes internationally?"

He thought for a second and then started, "Well, you know, like the Hilton, the Wyatt Hotel, all around really." Oh yeah, all around Chicago. That makes sense.

He was a cool guy, though, and he did a nice shoe shine. As soon as he finished he said, "All right an' it's eight dolluhs a shoe and I'd appreciate a little tip because dis is how I feed mah family." I knew that one was coming. I didn't have much cash on me but I figured I valued that shoe shine to the tune of $3, so I gave it to him. I reminded him how I didn't want the shoe shine in the first place and how he squirted polish on my shoes while we were talking, so he reluctantly said, "Okay, no, dats cool. You have a nice night, sir."

I felt bad. I had just shined Dan the Shoe Shine Man. But let's face it–if I'm gonna shell out $20 it's going to go towards a new shoe shine set, not Dan's shoe shine shenanigans.

Joy in the Journey

2010-09-23T23:37:00.001-07:00

Nope, I'm not blogging about Chicago yet, but soon. I just wanted to share the evidence of my brush with fame in the Philippines. Ryan and I ate dinner at the table next to Arnel Pineda, the new lead singer for Journey. He's a Filipino guy who was singing in a band in Hong Kong and a couple of YouTube videos of some Journey covers helped to catapult him into Steve Perry's old spot. You can read his story here if you're interested.

Ryan and I had both left our cameras back at the hotel, so Ryan hurried and bought a disposable. By the time Ryan came back Arnel had already left, but we chased him down after dinner and snagged a picture with him right before he turned the corner. He's a nice guy. He even offered to give us tickets to his upcoming concert in Manila, but the concert was happening a couple days after we were scheduled to come home.

If you're interested in hearing what he sounds like compared to Steve Perry, Journey's original lead singer, you can watch the videos below. The last video is the original music video for Separate Ways, which is awesome for so many reasons. If you only have time to watch one, watch that one, at least until you witness the air keyboard. And if you liked that music video, then you'll love "Hooked on a Feeling" by David Hasslehoff.

Farewell Utah

2010-09-12T08:21:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow afternoon I'm headed out to Chicago for the next few years to work for PwC. Last night I went to Porcupine Grill with a bunch of my friends and just tried to soak everything in.

We were going to go to a movie, but the movies showing either didn't look good or had already been seen by someone in the group, so, we opted to rent a movie.

We walked into Blockbuster and, let me tell you, that place was a ghost town. We commented on how empty the store was and Joe Boyer sheepishly asked the lady at the counter if the store was open at which point one of my friends responded, "Joe, don't insult them!"

Finding the right movie proved to be quite the challenge. I thought we were making some headway and then Cole approached me with two movies in hand: Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls and G.I. Joe.

"Which one do you want to watch?" he asked. The word 'neither' came to mind.

"Hmmm...that's a tough one," I said. I knew he wanted to watch Indiana Jones.

"Well, pick one. Or does neither one sound good to you?"

"Well, the newest Indiana Jones movie isn't good and neither is G.I. Joe."

Dave Smith chimed in, "Why don't we watch Million Dollar Baby? It won four academy awards."

Now we're talking. I had actually been wanting to see that show ever since I saw the "Hundred Dollar Baby" spoof they did on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Cole was trying to strong arm me into a mistake of a movie, but I was unshakable. Million Dollar Baby it was.

We got up to the check-out and asked Kristy, the lady at the counter, "Is Million Dollar Baby a good movie–like a movie you could see five dudes watching?" She affirmed.

Then Cole asked, "What about Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls?"

Without hesitation she said, "No one should watch that movie. That movie's awful." I was loving it.

"What about G.I. Joe?" Cole asked.

"Same boat as Indiana Jones," she replied. "Its' terrible."

"Kristy's a tool!" Cole muttered after exiting the store. As we were walking into Cole's house to watch the movie he said, "Well, I'm glad my last memory of Bob will be about how he ruined my night." It made me laugh really hard.

Maybe it was just because the movie was really sad, but as I was leaving Cole's, everything started to hit me. Moving to Chicago felt real for the first time. I was saying goodbye to my group of guy friends I've been best friends with for the past 11 years. I was saying goodbye to Salt Lake City. My college experience at BYU. Family. Basically everything familiar.

I didn't have a car at Cole's, so Joe offered to give me a ride home. As I walked outside Cole's house, I glanced back at him for a second, but quickly turned back towards the dark night to save myself: I was on the verge of tears.

I got into Joe's car and wondered if he could tell. I tried to subtly wipe away the occasional tears that strayed from my eyes and traveled down the sides of my face. Could he tell that the power in my voice was fading and starting to sound a little shaky?

Joe started reminiscing with me about how our last two years at BYU living at Jamestown 14 were some of his favorite memories. Staying up late with all of the roommates, hosting parties. "The times when all four of us were together were my favorite," he said. Oh no. Not now, Joe. Maybe right after we ate dinner, but not now. I can't handle sentimental now.

I did a good job of warding off the tears welled in my eyes by telling a couple of funny stories, but then I tried to be sentimental for a second and my voice completely gave out. I managed to get out a barely audible "sorry" and then my eyes unleashed an onslaught of tears I'd been bridling back for the first five minutes of the car ride. Joe turned down the radio and we just sat in silence for a few minutes. I alternated between crying and laughing, listening and talking for the last stretch of the ride. I knew a good cry was bound to happen, I just didn't think it would happen in front of people. But what better friend to have with me than Joe.

I'm probably making it sound like someone is dying or like I'm going off to war or something. I'm not. I'm just a kid about to go out on a new adventure, who doesn't know what the future will bring. A kid who knows that even though I'll probably be back in Utah every few months, things will never be the same. But they never are. Change is everywhere; but, I can choose to come out on top with some hard work and optimism. And puns.

I'll miss my mountain home, but I'm excited about Chicago.

I'm excited about the feel of Chicago. The city has a charm to it that drew me to it in the first place.

I'm excited about the people in Chicago. I have a lot of close friends in the city and I'm so excited to be near to Johnny and Kica and their kids for the first year. Having family there will make the dearth of nieces and nephews and Sunday dinners a lot more bearable.

I'm excited about my job in Chicago. I'm a glutton for pain and decided to work for PwC Chicago from January to March 2009 so that I could experience the winter and the busy season. I figured if I could handle 80-hour weeks and a 20-below windchill that everything else about living in Chicago would be a pleasant surprise.

I'm excited about the growth opportunities in Chicago. I'm not talking about all the weight I gained during my winternship–I'm pretty sure the added girth can be attributed to my work paying for all of my meals. For a while I felt like I was on a cruise ship and kept ordering sandwiches and burritos with extra meat and extra cheese, but then I realized that I have to live with my body and simmered down a little bit. But, too little too late: the damage was done (the jamma jin jen?). Luckily for me, the weight I gain goes to my face first and leaves my cheeks last (still talking about my face), so the weight gain was barely noticeable to the average observer. After four months.–I'm talking about spiritual and maturing growth. I think I'll get a lot of life experience living in Chicago and that I'll learn a lot about making decisions, managing, relying on myself, but most importantly, relying on the Lord. I'll probably still need to solicit Mary's opinion on new clothes, though. Let's be honest.

Watermelon to the Head, Anybody?

2010-09-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

My friend Liz showed me this clip from The Amazing Race today and I laughed uncontrollably. I'm still laughing between every sentence I write because I still can't believe that what I just saw actually happened. You've gotta see this. Her capi was de-tated.

Sunscreen Self-Application

2010-09-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

I gave my freakishly double-jointed shoulders too much credit in the Philippines and decided to slather sunscreen on my back by myself. My camo-back is living–soon to be peeling–proof that it was not a good idea. To showcase my ineptitude, one part on my back features finger-shaped peninsulas of white skin salvaged from UV carnage, surrounded by a bay of burnt brown skin. These sun-stenciled splotches are a reminder that it's always good to get a second opinion when applying sunscreen. At least I didn't get burned as bad as the time I went snorkeling in Jamaica and I asked Johnny to rub sunscreen on my back and he told me I wouldn't need it because my back would be under a layer of water. That layer of water, essentially a magnifying glass, helped facilitate the burns that would soon hatch a layer of tiny blisters on my back.

Scattered Showers

2010-09-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

In the summer, when you're wearing shorts and flip flops at the urinal, you yearn for the winter months when you'll be protectively clad with slacks and shoes. Ignorance was bliss.

It's not something I'm just making up either. The splash zone is a real thing. It's a phenomenon that any man can attest to, however subtle the spray may be. It became even more apparent to me after traveling in shorts and flip flops for the past two weeks.

The splash zone doesn't take the urinal cake, though. Back in the 90's, when LaVell Edwards Stadium was Cougar Stadium, the stadium's arsenal of urinals was preceded by a solitary urine trough attached to the washroom wall. Tommy and I walked in one day and saw a man using the trough, and much to his chagrin, his toddler placed a hand on the lip of the trough and started making an airplane sound. The revving of the airplane engine confirmed the father's number one fear. I could sense the urgency of the situation and could read the terror on the father's face, but it was too late. It all happened in one fluid motion. The father desperately reached out his right hand and screamed, "NOOOooo!" as his son's hand slid across the entire sickening stretch of the 10 yard urinal. First down! Trough luck. Urine trouble.

Voice Recognition

2010-08-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

My phone has a button that allows me to use voice activated commands, such as "Call Broseph." Upon hearing this, the robotic female voice in my phone typically responds "Calling, Brusuph mobuhl," and thereupon calls Joe.

My phone is usually pretty accurate in detecting what name I've said (partly because I pronounce names precisely how I envision a robot would [ie: BYU Info=Bayou Info]), but every once in a while it's like my phone just stops trying.

"Call Ruth LeBurn," I command the phone with unvaried, humdrum ~~intonation~~ monotony.

Female Robot Voice responds: "Did you say, Hristo Gangov?"

I'm like, c'mon! That's not even close! It's so annoying. It makes me wonder how we'll ever have robot maids and butlers like the Jetsons if our current robots can't even handle simple voice recognition tasks.

Herbert the Hermit Crab

2010-08-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

My friend, Courtney, sent me this text message yesterday:

Tell me a story.

Here was my response:

"Herbert the Hermit Crab"

Once upon a time, there was a hermit crab named Herbert. Herbert wasn’t much of a hermit—at least he didn’t want to be. Herbert wanted to eat kelp with the eels, wrestle with starfish, and play hide and go swim with the sea horses. But the feeling was not mutual.

You see, Herbert had a problem. Herbert had halitosis. In fact, Herbert’s breath was much more ghastly than the gassy bubbles the humans often let out of their backsides. Herbert’s death-breath was so odious that it had practically made him enemies with everyone. Even the anemone was an enemy.

Herbert tried to get rid of the fishy smell of his breath, but to no avail. Then one day, Dr. Pufferfish came to town. Herbert would have ‘puffered’ not to tell the doctor of his problem, but the evidence was rampant and lonely Herbert was ‘urchin’ to feel accepted.

So, Herbert went to Dr. Pufferfish, who prescribed some Mentos. The doctor called them "fresh makers" and told Herbert they would help. But, they didn’t help. Not one bit.

Then Dr. Pufferfish noticed that Herbert’s breath didn’t reek at all. The putrid stench was coming from Herbert’s smelly shell.

“Leapin' barnacles!” Herbert exclaimed. “Such a simple solution to free myself from this fetid funk.

“Get the shell away from me!” Herbert ordered the doctor.

And so he did.

And Herbert lived happily ever after.

Quiznos "More Meat" Commercial

2010-08-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

**It looks like the commercial was offensive so Quiznos removed it from YouTube, but you can still watch it here.

Epic win. I love it when the smiley black kid winks at the end.

Salsa at Work

2010-08-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

I made salsa for the marketing department at work today. When I arrived, I told the art director to start playing Mexican music when he wanted to partake of the homemade goodness. At about 10 o'clock, a Mariachi mix of "Hotel California" sounded from his office and, like pack of Pavlovian dogs, we all paused from work and congregated in his office to savor the salsa.

One guy loved the salsa. He told me that he used to just think of me as "the intern," but now he thinks of me as "the intern-who-makes-salsa." Climbing that corporate ladder one rung at a time.

Everyone asked me questions about moving to Chicago, and we somehow got on the topic of scary neighborhoods in Chicago; so, naturally, I told them about the time I got dropped off at a gas station in South Chicago, accent and all. They loved it.

Monofaces and Younicorns

2010-08-04T22:51:00.001-07:00

I'm probably really late in the game in making this discovery, but Brooke showed me Monoface the other day, and I got a kick out of it. It's an interactive New Year's card made by the ad agency, Mono, a while back. Just keep hitting shuffle and the fun don't stop. Gotta love the wealth of lazy eyes found in the shuffle. It's almost as classic as seeing Bea's mug stamped across the family portrait.

After seeing Monoface, Joe showed me some of the iPhone apps that Mono makes. They make an app called photo'clock, which features 720 different pictures, one for each minute of the day.

They also make Younicorn, an essential app which allows users to take pictures of loved ones and add unicorn horns and rainbow backdrops, for that extra magical touch.

Domino's Pizza Proverbs

2010-07-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

Domino's Pizza is seeking out savory morsels of meaty wisdom. They have a new website, Pizza Proverbs, that asks users to alter popular proverbs by substituting prudent pizza insights.

I wrote down a few, but I wasn't proud of the preponderance of the proverbs. What pizza proverbs would you add?

A pepperoni pizza cannot change its spots
If the hungry lead the hungry then they shall both fall into the deep dish
Order for others what you would have them order for you
The pepperoni is mightier than the sausage
A pizza sliced against itself cannot stand
Pizza is where the box is
An ounce of salami is worth a pound of anchovies
Spare the pizza, punish the child
The sausage doesn't fall far from the cheese
Sauce is thicker than water
Hunger tends to repeat itself
A slice in hand is worth two in the box

Jamba Juice Cheeseburger Chill Smoothie

2010-07-26T17:59:00.001-07:00

I love how this feels like a McDonald's commercial. Jamba Juice is trying to create some stir by aiming at fast food restaurants getting into the smoothie business. They don't think the two businesses blend well.

DirecTV Opulence Commercial | "I jump in it."

2010-07-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

Is like best commercial ever. I love the miniature giraffe at the end almost as much as I love speaking in a Russian accent.

The Naked Fridge Forager

2010-07-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a barbecue with some friends, played a few song requests, and then about ten of us went down to the Spanish Fork Fair. A few friends had their faces painted and a bunch of us went on a ride called "The Zipper," which was amazing.
I'd gladly go on the ride again in a heartbeat. You may not be able to tell by the picture, but the pods spin in circles and are connected to cables that spin around the main arm of the ride, all while the pendulum swings in full circles in one directions and then stops and goes the other way. Something about spinning that much makes me smile and laugh like a little kid.

Later that night we went back to a friend's apartment and lit a ton of fireworks to celebrate pioneer day. We blasted MoTab singing "Come, Come Ye Saints" for the first few fireworks to help replicate the feeling of listening to Lee Greenwood or Neil Diamond during Independence Day fireworks.

After a few rounds of fireworks I looked across the street and what to my wondering eyes did a appear, but a naked guy shamelessly foraging through the fridge in plain sight, unprotected by his enormous kitchen window sans blinds. "Don't mind the man in the buff across the street," I advised. We were all shocked. That guy put the flabber in flabbergasted. How lewd!

Once we had been exposed to the naked truth, we decided it was time to light our two giant firework finales. We had just lit them when someone driving a white car came and intentionally ran over our fireworks. They both fell over onto their sides and one rolled towards all of the spectators who were sitting on the curb. It's all fun and games until you get sprayed by the Golden Shower (name of the firework). Luckily, everyone escaped in time to avoid a sulfuric scalding. The end.

The Taxidermist Strikes Again

2010-07-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

Rodent-carcass-encased beverages anyone? When I saw this picture at work I immediately started chortling in my cubicle, the office-appropriate lol equivalent. These are way cooler than the sleeve thingies for Hot Pockets. Here's the original link to the article in The Consumerist that Brooke sent me if you want to read more about it. Cheers to the Scottish brewery for the epic win on packaging.

Food at Work

2010-07-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

At work they say if you put stuff in the fridge, you need to put your name on it or it will be thrown away. I never put my name on my food, though. I like to live life on the edge. I'm rebellious like that.

Pickles at Lunchtime

2010-07-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

How does the pungence of pickles permeate the plastic membrane that is my lunch bag and emanate into the air while the bag is yet unopened? Some things we'll never know.

Meet Mayhem

2010-07-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

I just saw these "Meet Mayhem" commercials from Allstate today and thought they were really clever.

I've come to appreciate good insurance commercials ever since my capstone advertising class at BYU, where I spent the better part of four months doing research about insurance and then created an ad campaign for State Farm.

P.S. Almost immediately after I posted this I was informed by two friends (Wendy and Brooke) that the kid who came up with these commercials, Chris Rodriguez, is a BYU grad working for Leo Burnett in Chicago, living in my soon-to-be-again singles branch. Props to him.

The Drop Zone

2010-07-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Perched Pooper,

If you're going to bomb my car, please hit it directly instead of grazing the passenger side window. The window smears are unsightly and have to stop.

Your human,

Bob LeBaron

Saggy Bum

2010-07-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

On my first day of work, they guy who set up my work station said, "Oh, and by the way, just so you know, we don't have any better chairs, so you'll just have to make this one work." It seemed weird to me at the time, because usually when someone gives a foreboding precursor like that, it means there's something wrong; but my chair was fine. Or was it?

It wasn't until three weeks into my internship that I noticed my fanny kept sagging through the bottom of my chair. I looked under my orange chair cover and noticed there was a snapped bungie cord right in the butt bull's-eye of my seat, which seemed to be the root cause of my derriere detriment.

"Weird," I thought, as I tried to wiggle around every six minutes in my seat to avoid the falling through of the crack. But, it was to no avail. It was like trying to lie in a broken hammock. Plus, my back was starting to hurt.

Brooke suggested that get the Tush Cush, but I couldn't muster up enough courage to buy an anal bum cover for my chair.

So, I went into the conference room and found a chair that looked identical to mine and wheeled it over to my desk. Problem solved. Not. Did I mention the new chair was even more broken than the first one? So, I wheeled over a third chair to my desk, which finally worked. The only problem is that the cover on my new chair doesn't cover up a pesky pole that periodically pokes my leg. But I hide the discomfort well. No one at work can read my poked face.

BYU's Old Spice Spoof

2010-07-16T15:52:00.001-07:00

I've already showed this to a lot of you, but I thought BYU did a really good job with this parody ad for the Harold B. Lee Library. Props to them on the production. They've gotten a lot of shout outs, the most impressive of which, was their mention on the Friday Morning Stir of Agency Spy. They also landed an article in the Deseret News. My favorite part is when the celestial sandwich appears towards the end.

Just in case you've been living under a rock for the past six months and don't know what concept they copied. Here is the original Old Spice commercial.

Old Spice Boat Commercial: All Over This

2010-07-14T21:34:00.001-07:00

You may have seen this new Old Spice commercial already, but if you haven't, you need to see it: it's amazing. Tommy showed it to me on Sunday and I still laugh every time he says, "But probably this...all over this."

SURPRISE!

2010-07-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

The drink vending machine at work costs 50 cents per soda; but there's one button on the machine labeled "Surprise" that spews out mystery cans for 25 cents a pop. From the day I saw it, my interest was piqued. I was soda curious about what kind of bevy I would levy with the button. Truth be told, I haven't been let down yet. Today was a Diet Coke. It kinda makes me wish there was a mystery button on the food vending machine, as well, so I would have a good excuse if someone ever saw me eating Funyuns.

Banana Racing

2010-07-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Brooke sent me a picture this morning that made my day. I guess there's a 4th of July festival at Lake St. Clair where they have Banana Racing, which involves monkeys racing on dogback.

Have You Seen This?

2010-06-27T00:14:00.000-07:00

I was watching an episode of Wipeout with Joe & Carrie and their kids (which is totally my guilty pleasure, btw–people getting punched in the groin while commentators shamelessly pun away) and happened upon this new commercial for the 2011 Jeep Grand Cheroke. I'm in love.

After seeing that commercial, I felt patriotic. It made me want to watch the U.S. play again in the World Cup and made feel like I'd never not buy American again. I was gonna throw in another double-negative, but I wasn't positive how exactly to pull it off.

Then I saw this sexy thing. It made me excited to know I could buy American and still get 31 MPG. I want that.

And, of course, the post wouldn't be complete without a clip of Wipeout.

P.S. I was looking on Ford's web site and saw a funny clip comparing the Ford Fiesta with the Lamborghini. I like the look of the girl's face when the Lamborghini beats the Fiesta on the straightaway.

Drew Brees! Look Harder! Brees is Tricky!

2010-06-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

The new commercial for the 2010 ESPY awards made me laugh out loud. Whoever came up with this idea was a genius. I love it when Seth Meyers is telling the guy with the spotlight to find Drew Brees and Drew Brees is hiding behind one of the seats. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Homeless Bob

2010-06-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some old e-mails and I found some nuggets of nostalgia. It took me down memory lane when I read some of the things I had written about before my mission. I thought you'd all enjoy little tale about the time I got locked out of my apartment and slept at Beto's.

December 2, 2004

Well, once upon a yesterday, I drove over to my brother Joe's house in Herriman--it's about half-way between P-Town and Slick City--to play Halo 2 with him. Do you know what Halo 2 is? It's a game on the XBOX invented for male bonding.

Anyway, the hours kept on slipping and slipping away. Pretty soon, before we knew it, 2 o'clock in the morning passed us by. "I'd better go," I told my brother. He asked if I wanted to spend the night, but I didn't want to risk it because I had to return my sister's car early and I had an appointment.

As I was leaving, I realized that I didn't have my keys to my apartment, but I figured I'd just chance it, because I'd gotten home around 1 am before and people were still up. I even thought to call my roommate to tell him to keep the door unlocked, but, foolishly, I just turned up the radio and started the arduous thirty minute trek back to P-Vo.

When I arrived, I noticed there were no lights on in the Colony (my apt complex). Hmmm...strange...but then again, maybe not; because, like Matchbox 20 so eloquently sang, "It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely." And lonely I was, with only the haunting blue glow of the "Office" sign.

Sure enough, when I walked up to my apartment door, it was locked. Now my preplanned plan of attack kicked in. I knew that if something like this were to happen that I'd have to figure out what to do (that was the preplanned plan). So, I contemplated calling my roommate because he'd probably just barely gone to bed. Then I thought about calling my sister's boyfriend (who is also a roommate). If I called him I could just say, "If you want to be in this family you've got to start making some sacrifices."

Well, I ended up just looking at the clock and realizing that it was about 3:20 by the time I'd checked the screens and everything. I thought, "Hey, my roommates are going to be getting up in about three hours anyway. Maybe I'll just sleep in my car!" Einstein would've been proud of that idea. So, I went back to my car, the crappy Ford Escort, to initiate my sound slumber. I didn't have a blanket, so I thought I'd warm up the car a little.

After I had had the heater on for a little while I turned it off and took off my coat and used it as a blanket and wrapped my scarf around my head like a ninja. Yeah, I think it maybe took 30 seconds until I could see my breath again. It was pretty much the coldest night that I know of.

So, I realized that I was up a creek. I thought about calling my roommate, but by this time it was almost four. So, I did what any person would've done in my situation and I decided that I would go to Del Taco and buy a taco and that after I had finished it, I would pretend that the food was so delicious that I just decided to take a little nap to help my recover from my 39 cent meal. Well, much to my chagrin, the mop guy at the restaurant was apparently on to me because he locked the door whilst he mopped about, cleaning the floor of the restaurant and listening to music.

Next stop, Beto's. I pulled up and walked inside the restaurant only to see a homeless guy already sleeping in the corner booth. I guess my idea wasn't so original. I knew that if I fell asleep too that Paco and Juan, the guys working at the counter, would be on to us. So, I just ordered a breakfast burrito and took my sweet time savoring the taste of the food and the warmth of warmth--I'd forgotten what warmth felt like.

I didn't really feel comfortable sleeping at Beto's because there was graffiti all over the seats and all over the bathroom. Plus, I had a $50 bill in my pocket and I didn't trust Homeless John Doe over there in the corner booth. So, I went across the street to the Macy's grocery store to have a looksy.

I walked in and went over to that place in grocery stores where they sell fried chicken or potato logs or whatever, and they had some booths over there. I thought maybe I'd pull a fast one on the employees, but that felt weird too. That's just not me, looking for a place to sleep. So, I just bought some Jone's Soda and left.

Well, by this time it was well into the morning. I think it was about 4:45. So, I just decided that I would sleep in my car for one hour and then I would check my apartment to see if it was open and if it wasn't, I would drive up to BYU's campus and sleep in one of the buildings because they open at six.

Ah, such desperate measures taken, when I really should've just called my roommate.

Anyway, I had a nice, one-hour power nap in the fetal position with my coat draped over what it would drape. It was so frigid! When I woke up at six, I got out of the car and reached into my pocket for my car keys to lock the door, only to find my apartment keys were in my pocket all along! No, that's a lie. I just thought I'd see if you were paying attention. But, my apartment door was open at 6 o'clock. Who in the heck gets up that early? Not me, I just stay up.

A Job With Orange Soda

2010-06-23T11:43:00.001-07:00

I started a job as a marketing intern for Orange Soda last week. It has been a really fun experience so far. They do online marketing and search engine optimization for a bunch of small- and medium-sized clients around the country. It's been nice having a job in American Fork instead of having to commute to Salt Lake every day.

Every time the U.S. is playing in the World Cup work unofficially shuts down for a little bit. I've tried to stay focused in my cube, but I'm always wondering what is going on and rely on the audible cheers of the people around the office to stay informed on the score. My favorite thing is hearing delayed reactions from people watching it on different sites.

On Wednesdays at Orange Soda we have muffin day. A catering place brings in warm muffins in the morning and we get to pick between chocolate, cinnamon, banana, and bacon & asiago muffins. Mmmmm....that's what I call good bran management. Anyway, all of this talk about food reminded me that my lunch break is almost over. I've got a lot of fun stuff to share, though, so stay tuned!

Out of Breath

2010-05-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

My roommate showed me this clip yesterday of a weatherman who can't quite finish the weather forecast because he's out of breath. I thought you'd all appreciate seeing it.

Whenever I see someone that out of breath my mind always wanders back to the wheezing wolf in Sword in the Stone. You can see it right at the end of the clip here:

While I was looking at videos with my roommate we also stumbled upon this gem. This is a bunch of European kids at a park that decided to start spinning a table at a park with a bullet bike. I can't tell if it's real or fake, but the music at the end is awesome!

Guess Again

2010-05-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

For all of my life, but especially in the past few weeks, I've been a bad guesser. I push on doors when I'm supposed to pull; I try to predict which elevator will respond to the beckoning push of the button; I lock the car door instead of unlocking it; I accidentally walk into the wrong restroom (only twice, but still); I switch answers before turning in tests; I try to dress myself before looking outside or checking out the forecast; and don't even get me started on my track record with paper, rock, scissors. I'm wrong about 77% of the time, every time.

Okay, so I'm not that bad, but I'm wrong enough that I've started to notice it. The latest guessing gamble has come when faced with the formidable lotion-soap duo while washing my hands. If I'm not consciously observing the opacity of the two bottles, chances are, I'll squirt lotion onto my hands. Fail.

Usually, I'll notice the blunder immediately after pumping the lotion; but, on occasion, I have been known to rub lotion all over my hands, only to find that the running water is powerless against lotiony hands.

The Final Final

2010-04-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday evening I went to to the testing center at BYU to take my last test before graduation. I had shaved the day before, but apparently it wasn't good enough, because the girl behind the counter who gave me my test said, "Oh, and make sure you shave next time."

"There's not gonna be a next time," I said smugly.

Then, I took my last final exam and got a 92%, which was good enough to merit the flashing "Congratulations" next to my student ID on the score monitor. I'm not going to lie. It felt good to do well on my last exam at BYU.

What does my band sound like?

2010-04-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

My band recorded a couple of songs this past weekend and I just got the rough mixes this week. I thought I would post a link to my band's facebook page so you can hear what we sound like. They're just rough recordings, but let me know what you think!

http://facebook.com/LeBaronband

My favorite song to listen to is probably Love on the Line, then Overdue and Drowning.

My Name is John Daker

2010-04-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago Mary sent me a link to this gem. I remembered it today as we sang "Christ the Lord is Risen Today" in Sacrament meeting. Everything about this video makes me laugh, especially John's eyebrows and facial expressions as he trudges on through his performance, despite not knowing any of the right lyrics.

Root Canals

2010-04-05T15:05:00.001-07:00

Oh man, oh man, I hate root canals. I had one when I was a senior in high school and that was enough for me. But, tooth be told, life had something else in mind. On my mission that same tooth started to ache like crazy. When the aching intensified and caused my face to swell up and droop to one side, I knew it was time to find a dentist. So, I went to the dentist and he informed me that I needed a root canal.

"You seem to be mistaken," I said. "I have already had a root canal on that tooth."

"Oh, well, when you get a root canal there's a 1 in 10,000 chance you'll need to get another one," the dentist said. "It's called retreatment."

Why is it that I have yet to win a free iPod or TV, but when it comes to needing a second root canal it's winner winner chicken dinner?

As luck would have it, this past Friday one of my front teeth started to hurt. By Saturday morning I was in great pain and called the dentist and told him I needed a root canal, but he told me to wait until Monday.

So, today, I went in and the dentist said, "Yep, you need a root canal. Why don't you schedule a time to come in and get one."

The thing is, I wanted the root canal right then. I had known since Saturday that I needed a root canal because the feeling of needing one is unforgettable, so it was frustrating to go in on Monday, only to receive affirmation that I was right, and be told I would need to come back another day to get what I came for in the first place.

Whenever I have intense pain like this, I start to think about what I would trade to get rid of the pain. "I hardly ever use my right pinkie," I'll think. "I'd give up a pinkie to make it stop."

So, tomorrow morning I'll venture back to the dentist to get the root canal. Fortunately, if something goes wrong during the operation and I end up losing my front tooth, I can always salvage my smile with some rubber buckteeth.

Skid Row

2010-04-01T15:01:00.001-07:00

Mike called me today and told me we might be opening for Skid Row. Gotta love the chain connected to the nose. Seeing these guys makes me feel inadequate as the singer of a band. I feel like my hair isn't long enough and that I need to make up a name like Sebestian Bach or Dave "The Snake" Sabo. What do you think my stage name should be?

Wise Cracks

2010-03-28T22:47:00.001-07:00

I've made some wise cracks during Sunday school the past couple of weeks as we've learned about Joseph of Egypt. The teachers in my ward know that they can count on me whenever we have a famine of comments, so they asked me a question last week after they had explained how Joseph didn't really get along with his siblings: "What are some things we can do when we're having trouble getting along with our siblings?"

"Well," I said, "when I'm having trouble with my siblings, I sometimes find it's helpful to just throw them in a pit and then sell them into slavery."

Then today they had me read Pharaoh's dream and then told me to explain the gist of the dream to the rest of the class. So, naturally, I couched my response with lyrics of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. "Seven years of bumper crops are on their way. Years of plenty, endless wheat and tons of hay..."

It's not easy peeing green

2010-03-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

Upon returning from Stake Conference I saw a plate of delectable looking brownies waiting by my door. I would have eaten them immediately were it not for the ominous anonymous note inscribed with the foreboding line "...I hope this helps you get rid of the blues..."

I waited for a couple of hours after Joe had eaten a couple brownies to verify they were not ex-lax laden. I didn't want to be awoken from my Sunday nap by a bout of raging diarrhea.

The brownies were delicious, but they were laced with methylene blue, a chemical that makes your pee turn blue. I didn't consume nearly as many brownies as Joe, so my pee was only green.

Apparently, every apartment of boys in the ward had similar plate at their doorstep as well. We were all duped together. One kid in the ward told me he went to the bathroom and didn't look down at the toilet until he was about to flush. When he saw the blue he thought one of his friends had put toilet cleaner in, but when he remembered that they don't even own toilet cleaner he started to get worried. Then he started to pees together the puzzle.

I thought the colorful ordeal would end with one emptying of the bladder, but it was not to be. And so, it continued until Tuesday. I'm thinking about making brownies for everyone in the ward this week and writing notes that say, "I heard you were feeling red..."

The link is up

2010-03-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

All right, so if you have time, I'd appreciate it if you would appreciate it if you would view this accounting video I made for my class. It would also be good if you could log into your YouTube account also give the video a good ranking so I can get extra credit. Thanks!

Internal Assurance – A Vital Function

Accounting Videos on YouTube?

2010-03-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

My information systems professor divided the class into groups and wanted each group to take a topic about internal auditing and make a short video to post on YouTube. The group with the most views will get extra credit, so at least there's some good news to go along with the bad news of broadcasting our nerdiness across the internet. Anyway, my professor is posting our videos tonight, so if you have a chance before Friday at noon, click on the link I'll post tonight so we can win.and if you have a YouTube account, give our video a good rating :)

I'm going to post the video we made right now. I tried to throw in as many puns and dumb jokes as I could to make it bearable. I thought we did a pretty good job with our subject matter, but we're still nerds. Anyway, enjoy at your own risk!

Blog Neglect

2010-03-10T13:05:00.001-08:00

So, I've been horrible. I know. I get it. I've just been really busy. So has everyone else. I know. I get it. The good news is, I have a lot of funny stories to tell. But, before I get to that, here's a quick run-down on my life. Life is good. I graduate from BYU with my masters in accounting in just a couple of months, so it will be nice to not have to worry about homework ever again. After graduation I'm planning to go to San Francisco to see one of my old roommates get married (to a girl) and at the end of the summer I'm planning to go to the Philippines again with some friends who served missions there. It's looking like I'll start working for PwC in Chicago right after Labor Day, so I'll be moving out to Chicago in the near future. On the dating front, nothing exciting is happening. I'm not closer to marriage now than I was in high school. I'm not intentionally putting it off, I just make myself so busy that I don't take the time to date. I guess you could say I've been bad at posting blog entries for the same reason I've been bad at dating. Anyway, that's the low down on me as of late. Questions?

Today is a palindrome!

2010-01-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

It's probably because my name is Bob, but I always love a good palindrome when I see one–even when it's just the date. So, I thought I'd let you all know, so you could appreciate 01/02/2010 for being the same forwards and backwards.

My personal palindrome favorites are "race car" and "Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog!" At least I think they're called palindromes...or are they conondromes?

Monday Night Football goodness: Damage Points and Huuuuuuuge!

2009-12-30T14:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I promise my blog hasn't become a platform for reviewing commercials. I just discovered a lot of advertising treasures during my posting vacation. The agency Wieden+Kennedy has made some more hilarious Monday Night Football commercials similar to the one I raved about back in September.

This first one makes me laugh so hard, partly because it's brilliant (especially when the guy calls the bird) and partly because I think the main actor looks like James Paul.

As for the second commercial. All I have to say is, "It was huuuuuuuge!"

Right on Target

2009-12-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

I think Target wins the award for funniest Christmas commercials of 2009. The first commercial, "From Santa," is a priceless piece of acting. You've gotta love the intensity of guy's eyes all throughout the commercial and how his wife cuts him off at the end while giving him an awkward long smile and a blink. I love it when actors in commercials nail their roles.

The second commercial makes me laugh every time I hear the old man tell his neighbor why the dog is really barking. I also bust a gut when he points to himself while saying, "I believe you, but..."

Bobby's Back!

2009-12-30T14:28:00.001-08:00

I know, I've been a bad blogger. But, I haven't stopped thinking of blogworthy events. In fact, I have quite a few funny happenings to share with you. And so, now that I'm no longer swamped with finals (I got a 4.0!), marketing competitions, and Christmas, I can devote my undivided attention to being bloggy.

YouTube Treasures

2009-11-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

I found a couple of videos on YouTube that made me chuckle heartily. The first is "Crazy Old Lady X-Box Style." I think Microsoft went to a Spanish speaking country to get people to try out for one of their commercials. I'm assuming they were supposed to pretend to shoot fake guns; but, regardless, it's a work of art and it made me laugh out loud. The lady's facial expressions kill me. I also laugh uncontrollably when she emits the intense squawks at the very end.

The second video is "Beyonce Clown." My roommate showed me this one the other week and I was so mad when he had me come into his room to show it to me because I thought he was laughing because he thought it was funny seeing a lady in a clown mask dancing. "You are such a little kid," I thought, only to realize that he was laughing in anticipation of what was to come. Enjoy.

Oh, I also saw this Carl's Jr commercial today. Waaaayyyyy dirty, but the fry grab at the end made me chortle. It's reminiscent of Napoleon reaching for tots.

Band Footage for Family Far Away

2009-10-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Here is some footage that was taken of my band playing at Acoustic Explosion this past Wednesday. The people on the BYU Student Activities Board told me to hurry because the show was running behind, so there was no time for telling jokes for chuckles or sneaking in the Snuggie.

If you read last post, this first song is where I dropped my pick twice. The song is called "Maybe."

This next song is called "Drowning." There was another kid at the show that recorded this song and put it on YouTube. He wrote a review of our concert and put it on his web site.

During the last song, "Is It Me," my video camera ran out of juice, but it was recording long enough to see the random girl swaying in the background. The drummer didn't even know what hit him. This was the song I turned in on a demo CD to make it into Acoustic Explosion, so if anyone wants a copy of the demo, let me know and I'll send it to you.

Shredding on the Guitar

2009-10-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I played at Acoustic Explosion at BYU. I thought my band did a really good job. I got really into it and started shredding on the guitar. Now, when you read the word shred, you may have thought I meant this:

shred

verb

To play the guitar in a technically proficient manner

But, in reality, I meant this:

shred

verb

To cut or tear into small pieces, esp. small strips

Right in the middle of our first song, my guitar pick flung from my fingers and floated to the floor. A kid in my band picked up my pick and handed it to me. Aside from my guitar cutting out for about a measure, it wasn't really too noticeable. Unfortunately, about a stanza later, my pick flew out of my hands for a second time. I guess you could say that I wasn't able to to come to grips with the situation. My thirst for dropping picks was un'clench'able.

Knowing that the song must go on, I resorted to strumming the rest of the song with the fingernail on my middle finger. Apparently I was playing pretty hard because the guitar string shredded through a layer of skin on my middle finger. The funny thing about it was that I didn't even realize it had happened. I just remember looking down at my guitar while I was playing our second song and I saw a bunch of red streaked across my strings. "Hmmm...that's weird," I thought. "Must be the lighting." Only after the show did I glance down at my finger and gaze upon the grazing that had taken place.

There was another strange thing that happened while we were playing our last song. Some random girl walked up on stage and started dancing behind us while we played. No one really knew who she was or why she was there, but it was really weird. The bassist in my band thought she was a friend of the drummer until the drummer mouthed to the bassist in the middle of the song, "WHO IS THIS GIRL???" After we finished our set the girl ran up right next to me and started yelling stuff into the microphone. It was so weird... No one even knew her name. The only thing we knew about her was that she had just gotten out of rehab. She must have *sneaked out.

*sneaked is correct; it's not snuck

Two Great Nights

2009-10-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I had two fun evenings in a row. On September 24th my band played a concert at Velour, a venue in Provo. Mom and Dad made the trek down to the concert, which was really nice of them, especially since it finished after 11pm, about five hours after Mom's bedtime. It has been fun playing in a band for the past few months. My favorite part about playing is that it has really gotten me excited about playing guitar again. I feel like playing guitar is one talent that was dormant from the time I left for my mission until I got back from Chicago. I've also loved getting to know Mike Adams better. Now I see him at least every week, instead of at least every family party.

I even mustered up the courage to wear my Snuggie for a song.

The next day, on September 25th, I went with Mom, Dad, Jim, Joe, Tom, and Mike Metcalf to go see Jim Gaffigan. There's just something about that guy that makes me chuckle. Perhaps the reason his humor resonates with me so much is that he always talks about food. Gotta love those "edgy ketchup jokes." P.S. "edgy" would be a good hangman word.

After the show, we went for a delicious dinner at Settebello's. I had been craving a Settebello pizza ever since hearing about it; and, it was all it was cracked up to be. So was the Nutella gelato next door. Mmmmm....

Acoustic Explosion

2009-10-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

For those interested in coming to see me play at a free concert at BYU, I just found out I made it into Acoustic Explosion. The show starts at 7pm on Wednesday, October 14th. Hope to see you there!

The Police Beat

2009-10-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

When I worked as a BYU operator, part of the job description was staying informed about BYU by reading The Daily Universe, BYU's student newspaper. It was all part of maintaining our operator omniscience. I became accustomed to reading the paper and always looked forward to the weekly Police Beat, where many of the crazy things that get reported to the police are passed on to the public. Some things were scary to read about, but most were funny, like, "It was reported to the police that a baby was lying in a dumpster. Upon further investigation, it was found that the object in the dumpster was not a baby at all, but a large, unfinished burrito."

My roommate was reading the Police Beat aloud in our apartment tonight and I heard a gem:

"A student went to the ID center to purchase a new ID card after losing his. It was discovered that his card had been stolen and was used to purchase $45 worth of ice cream from a Smith Fieldhouse vending machine."

Haha, $45 of ice cream? Seriously?! Whoever stole his card must have completely emptied that machine.

The 5K

2009-10-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about running a 5K this weekend. An accounting firm is sponsoring a free 5K on Saturday morning and I tried to sign up online, but the online registration was already full, so I'll have to go on Saturday morning at 7:30am for the late registration. Hmmm...we'll see if 7:30am happens. Regardless of what happens on Saturday, I'd still like to run a 5K. A 5K seems like the perfect distance because you would be crossing the finish line right as your side ache kicks in. Okay, to be truthful, it would probably kick in a lot sooner than 5K for me, but at least a 5K isn't as devastating as a marathon. A marathon may be in my future, but definitely not in the immediate future. A 5K is much more doable and much more repeatable.

I still remember sitting at a mission reunion a few months ago with Sister Callister and a sister that served in my mission. The sister was telling about how she was having a hard time getting her husband to go running with her. "It's confusing to me," she said, "because you know how everyone kind of has this secret desire to run a marathon?"

I looked at Sister Callister and could tell from her eyes that she was tired just thinking about it. "I don't have that desire," Sister Callister admitted laughingly.

"Yeah, I don't think I want to run a marathon either," I added.

The conversation soon ended.

Mustaches at BYU

2009-10-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me when I see people walking around BYU sporting dirty mustaches–the only expression of facial hair freedom allowed at BYU. It seems that the problem is especially pervasive as of late. Granted, some actually can pull it off; but for most, it is a shameless attempt at masculinity and a dirthead disaster. For their sakes, I really do wish they could pull it off...off of their faces. I ran into one friend on the way to class today and complimented him on his bravery for growing a mustache. "Yeah man, just a little somethin' somethin' for Stachetober," he said. It wasn't a pretty sight, but he has the personality to make it work. He was telling me how a couple of girls have already threatened to shave it off for him. I told him not to worry about it. "The stache just makes you more attractive and more irresistible," I said. "They're just worried because they weren't planning on getting married for a couple of years and now that you've got a mustache, they feel like they have to make a decision." That's pretty much the only way to interpret it.

The Prediction

2009-10-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

I saw a link to this on the Yahoo! homepage and thought it was pretty cool. A couple of Sundays ago I had a friend show me some mind-blowing magic tricks and ever since then I've loved seeing things like this. I'm pretty sure that this trick boils down to math, not magic; or, maybe this guy is a mathemagician.

Cold Blooded

2009-09-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

It was freezing cold this morning as I walked to school in the icy rain. For some reason unbeknownst to me, autumn decided to take a break this year and the seasons skipped right into winter. There was no gentle transition, there were no baby steps to chilly, just a sudden drop from 80 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday to 34 degrees today. One day was all it took. To make things worse, today was the deadly duo of cold and wet. Snow blanketed the tops of the tall mountains of Utah Valley. I woke up today and had no desire to carpe diem. I felt like going back to bed and saying, "Wake me up when September ends!" But, chances are that the weather won't improve too much by tomorrow. Surprisingly, the time when I was the coldest today was during my derivatives class, not while walking to school. Something about always needing to layer up during classes to stay warm makes me think that I'm cold-blooded. If only I could have a heat rock like an iguana I could hedge against this weather.

LeBaron - Upcoming Show

2009-09-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

It should be a good show. We have two bands opening for us and a new drummer that was motivated to start drumming after he totally dominated the drums on Rock Band.

Don't Drop Your Drawers!

2009-09-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

It all happened yesterday while I was making lunch. I had a brief break between my classes so I hurried home and pulled down my box of macaroni & cheese from the cupboard and started boiling a pot of water on the stovetop. I was intently reading a Harvard Business case for one of my classes and was periodically checking the macaroni noodles to make sure they didn't boil over or succumb to sogginess. When al dente arrived, I removed the noodles from the stove and strained out all the water. I then went to open up the drawer next to the stove to retrieve a 1/4 cup measuring cup to measure the milk.

This is where things got nasty. It all happened in one motion. I pulled open the drawer and it came out very fast and tipped downward. I realized the drawer wasn't connected to the drawer track, so there was nothing to prevent it from falling onto the ground. Thinking that the drawer was going to fall onto the ground, I instinctively thrust my left hand down toward the ground to catch the dropping drawer and its contents before they spilled to the ground. The drawer, however, never quite came out far enough to fall to the ground–it barely stayed in the drawer socket. My hand grazed the abnormally sharp corner of the stationary drawer and the corner gouged a deep new lifeline into my palm.

As I inspected my hand, I was appalmed to see skin flapped mountains overhanging an epidermal valley that was beginning to fill with a river of blood.

Against my better judgment, I hurried and finished making my lunch, turned off the stove, and then went to care for my wound. I went into the bathroom and took some tiny scissors and started to cut the skin flaps with my right hand (keep in mind I'm left-handed). I realized that I could never be a doctor. A couple of snips into my self-surgery I started to feel extremely light-headed. I thought I was about to faint.

I barely made it to my bed and then laid down for a few minutes to try to recover. Then I went back and finished excising excess skin. I started feeling sick again, but made it through.

It was a traumatic experience for me at the time, but it all worked out in the end. My hand is good to go and is healing quickly. Actually, suspiciously quickly. "Doctor, what is more severe, a hand injury or a head injury?"

University Parking Enforcement in Provo is the WORST!!!

2009-09-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

For those unfamiliar with University Parking Enforcement in Provo, it isn't BYU parking. It's a company hired by many of the apartment complexes around BYU to enforce parking. By and large, people that work for University Parking Enforcement are jerks. You may think that they just have a bad rap, but it's true. Here's why:

At the very end of August I saw a note on my door. "Parking passes will be handed out on August 29 in the parking lot between 9 and 11am and between 1 and 3pm." Of course it was during a time when I was going to be in Salt Lake. The note continued, "If you do not have a parking pass you will have to get one from University Parking during your own time. All cars and bikes must have parking passes by September 15, 2009 or they will be booted."

Imagine my surprise when yesterday, September 10, my roommate came into the apartment and said, "Bob, is your car the green Nissan parked in the back lot by the bikes?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Dude, the University Parking people just put a boot on your car. The guy said they're cracking down on expired permits, but if you go out right now he'll take it off for $25 instead of $50."

Apparently the scumbag waiting out in the Jeep thought giving victims $25 off of something they don't owe is supposed to make them feel special.

I went outside to talk to the guy. I maintained composure and asked him why there was a boot on my car.

"Your permit is expired," he said.

I explained how the note on our door said that we had until the September 15th to get our parking passes renewed, but he said, "That's not my problem. Plus, I don't have the authority to take off the boot." Oh really? Because I'm pretty sure you're the one who put it on!

He then went on to tell me that he would take the boot off for me if I paid him $25.

"Okay, I'll pay you," I said. "But first, can you please explain to me how it's ethical to tell people they have until the 15th of the month to get parking passes and then start booting cars on the 10th?"

"I'm not gonna do this!" the guy said, and he started getting back into his Jeep. "Explain how this is ethical? I don't have time for crap like that!"

"That's because you're being a jerk!" my roommate said. "You're totally being unreasonable."

"Dude! Do you want me to put a boot on your scooter?!" the guy yelled at my roommate.

"You can't put a boot on my scooter, I'm getting on it right now!"

The guy was a total prick. I told him I would pay because I obviously wanted to get the boot off of my car. I was livid though. He told me that it was the fault of the people that manage my apartment because they were the ones that called him to come put boots on cars and that I would have to go through the appeals process. I told him that I was sorry for getting mad at him and that it must be a hard job since everybody is pissed off when they talk to him. "No, I can actually handle that part all right," he said. Right. Ethically, too.

Kit Kat Powder

2009-09-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

I sat down in class this morning and felt a certain slab in my back right pocket obtruding into my butt cheek. I had intentionally left my wallet in my backpack to avoid the discomfort of wallet butt and was sorely confused as to what was in my right pocket. I delved my hand into my back pocket and retrieved a fun size Kit Kat bar that was once in a solid state, but had since been crushed to a fine powder of wafer bits and chocolaty smithereens. Fun size? It sure didn't feel like fun size. I guess that's what I get for wearing the same shorts I wore to Sunday dinner at the cabin, when putting a Kit Kat in my back pocket apparently seemed like a good idea. What kind of intense pressure does it take to crush a Kit Kat into fine powder anyway? I was expecting to find a disjointed Kit Kat at most, but fine powder? I guess school really is back to the grind. It's always nice to know you have a buttocks as strong as an ox butt. Or at least a huge head to weigh anchor.

"I cut the sleeves off because it looks awesome!"

2009-09-06T00:04:00.001-07:00

I love ESPN commercials, but I think this Monday Night Football dream job commercial is the best one I've ever seen. The guy totally nailed his part–especially during the last scene where he's coaching. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. By the way, the extended version of the commercial has an extra 15 seconds of hilarity if you aren't satiated by the clip below.

How 'bout them Cougs?

2009-09-05T23:40:00.000-07:00

Wow. Wow is all I have to say. I hope you were able to watch it. BYU defeated #3 Oklahoma tonight in an amazing game. I really liked BYU's offense tonight, but I loved their defense. Not in a gay way, in a fan way. They were able to stop Oklahoma on several drives and really, the only points they gave up came as a result of BYU's offense turning the ball over, giving Oklahoma good field position. If you didn't watch the game, be sure to check out the highlight reel.

I think my favorite part was seeing Provo come alive after the victory. I watched the game at my friend Reed's house up in Orem and drove down to Provo after the game. People were swarming the streets and drivers were honking their horns like crazy in celebration of the victory. I went back to my apartment to play some Tiger Woods Golf on the Wii and heard a huge mass of people celebrating, walking down my street. I went outside and saw a herd of fans cheering, headed by a kid playing the bagpipes at 11pm. It was awesome seeing a BYU Stone Cold Sober celebration instead of a rowdy celebration with beer flowing from the taps.

If ye are prepared...

2009-09-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

One of my teachers is amazing. He has an Elder Holland-esque presence about him. He is a short, barrel-chested man with a fiery, energetic personality. He also comes across as one of the smartest people I’ve ever known and has a very commanding presence. I’m really excited about his class.

It was actually during the first day of his class that I had a funny experience. The class is advanced corporate finance and is made up of about 30% MAcc students and 70% MBA students.

Dr. Heaton walked in and started passing around cardstock and markers for each of us to make name tags, because he calls on whoever he feels should know the answer, not students with raised hands. As I was writing my name on my name tag, he started talking to a kid sitting in front of me. The class went something like this, but keep in mind that the questions and responses were lightening fast:

Dr. Heaton: Ryan, what was Dave Bitter’s undergraduate major?

Ryan: Computer science

Dr. Heaton: Kind of a strange degree, don’t you think?

I assumed they were talking about a mutual friend, perhaps someone in the MBA program.

Dr. Heaton: Heidi, what was Dave Bitter’s post-graduate degree?

Heidi: An MBA in finance

"Wow," I thought. "They all seem to know this Dave Bitter guy. Dave Bitter must be an MBA professor or a storied alumnus."

As my professor continued to grill students for more unique information about Dave Bitter, I realized that the students’ knowledge of Dave Bitter was a little too unique—the entire class seemed to know something I didn't. And then, when I saw how Professor Heaton was appalled when a student couldn’t answer a question about Dave Bitter’s job description of his first job at Ford Motor company, I knew I was in trouble.

I turned to the girl sitting next to me and said, “What is he talking about? Were we supposed to read something before class?”

“Yeah,” she said. “He emailed us a 20-page case study a couple of weeks ago and we were supposed to read it and answer questions about the case.”

Gulp. I had read no such case. I started panicking a little bit. I hurried and downloaded the case and started skimming ahead to shield against the shower of Dave Bitter bullets Dr. Heaton was shelling out at random victims like a howitzer.

Luckily, I was spared from answering a case-specific question and was fielded a general question about the risk of US Treasury bonds. It was still frightening, though, because even if you give the right answer, Dr. Heaton challenges you and makes you defend yourself. In his class you have to be sure because if you're sitting on the fence, he'll push you off.

Ian Eldon Tanner?

2009-09-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was walking through the Tanner building this morning and saw a painting of President N. Eldon Tanner and noticed a striking resemblance between him and Sir Ian McKellen. It probably stood out to me because I just barely watched The Da Vinci Code for the first time on Friday night.

What do you think? Cast your vote on the side poll.

Ketchup

2009-08-31T07:58:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of my final year of college. It's crazy to think that I'll be finished with this phase of my life by April. I'll try to savor my experience and get the most out of it. By next fall, for those of you who don't know, I'll be working in Chicago as an auditor for PricewaterhouseCoopers. Even though I know I'll be out there it's still sometimes doesn't seem real and it's weird to think that I'll be working a full-time job for the rest of my life.

Well, I'm sorry for this onslaught of video posts, but this is a segment from Jim Gaffigan's new standup video King Baby. This clip about ketchup was almost as ingenious as his routine on bacon (the one he did before King Baby), but I thought it was hilarious. My favorite part is at the very end when he speaks the mind of the audience about the British.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering, I think Jim Gaffigan is my favorite comedian. Probably because he usually only talks about food. Mmmmm...food...

Michael Jackson's Thriller Tribute

2009-08-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

This was something I meant to post a long time ago, but I forgot to do it. I found this about two years ago and thought it was pretty funny, but didn't remember about it until Michael Jackson died. This is a tribute to Michael Jackson's Thriller. The dancers are prisoners in Cebu, Philippines. I wonder how many practice sessions to took to get this right. Hey, at least they're getting their exercise, right? My favorite part was watching the beginning part and thinking, "I can't believe they let a woman into the prison to help film this!" And then...

I'm Back

2009-08-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...I've certainly been taking my sweet time with not putting out any new posts. I kept finding things to blog, but it seemed like there was never enough time between vacations, writing papers for school, and work. But, I'm going to be better. I'll try my best to present a plethora of posts in the next week, so make sure you stay tuned. As for right now, I hope you enjoy this dance from So You Think You Can Dance (dance, dance). I was at my brother's house a few weeks ago and my sister-in-law showed it to me and I made her play it like three times. I think it's my favorite dance I've seen on the show (Let's be honest, I've probably only seen two or three episodes), but I think the reason why I loved it so much is because it reminded me of my award winning Hamburglar Halloween costume.

Depeche Day Ever

2009-07-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I drove over to the English's to meet Tom and Jess to watch fireworks at Holladay Elementary. On the way over, I heard "Somebody" by Depeche Mode on the radio. After we finished watching the fireworks, I was dropped off at my car and was greeted by "I Just Can't Get Enough," after turning the ignition. What are the chances that I would turn the car off to Depeche Mode and turn it on to the same group? 100%. Now, if only that story were as cool as their outfits.

Vocab 911

2009-07-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

Help! I need someone to tell me what cooperativity means. A girl used it in class this week but I couldn't find it in the dictionary. Does anyone know what it means??? Please help!!!

Billy Mays and the Age of Infomercials

2009-07-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Even though Billy Mays was not my lover, he was loved in the world of infomercials. He really was loud and convincing, from OxyClean to the Ding King to ESPN.

I think I would actually be good at writing infomercial scripts. I'd have catchy lines like, "Tired of your cat pulling down the table cloth?"

*Show black and white video of cat using claws to pull down table cloth causing dishes crash on the floor and break into pieces. Camera changes to frustrated woman standing at door entryway pulling her hair in frustration while shaking her head*

The pitchman then introduces the "Table Cable" or something else completely worthless.

As funny as infomercials are, though, I'm a total sucker for buying stuff from infomercials. For example, I purchased the "Nicer Dicer" which turned out to not be as nice as I had hoped, but what can you do? I'm actually pretty sure that it works well, I just have only used it once on a super squishy tomato, so of course it didn't work.

I also purchased (my personal favorite) the "Snuggie." Yeah, don't be jealous, it is as comfortable and convenient as it looks. No more having to lift my hand out of the blanket to change the channel. Now using the remote control is a cinch! I will say, though, that my favorite part about the Snuggie is the reading light that came with it. No joke. It's much more useful than the Digital Reminder. Worthless p.o.j.

I'm pretty sure that the new free gift that comes with Snuggies is the Baby Snuggie Vest. It looks ideal for a cool autumn hike, eh?

P.S. Stay tuned for pics of me in my Snuggie.

Farewell, King of Pop

2009-06-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

I was sad to hear that Michael Jackson passed away this afternoon. I was at work when I read the breaking news that he had gone into cardiac arrest. By quitting time, Michael Jackson was already gone. He was a musical legend and revolutionized the music industry. It's amazing when I think of how successful his career was, starting with Jackson 5 and how he was so successful on his own. He lived in the spotlight but died as a recluse. I talked with a guy the other week who started a company that had exclusive rights to broadcasting Michael Jackson's upcoming "comeback" performances in London over the internet. I guess not anymore. If only his heart could've beat it. Sorry, that was bad, really, really bad. But in all seriousness, he made a mark in history and he's in a better place now, where he won't ever have anxiety over his looks again.

Taking Tests

2009-06-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

It started with the ACT, but didn't end there. I feel like I'm the worst test taker in the world. I feel like my test taking abilities aren't a proper reflection of what I've actually learned in school. I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing, under-analyzing, or just plain ol' unlucky, but the last two finals I took just buried me. I'm sure reading this juxtaposed with my last post you feel I had it coming. The funny thing is, that's the final I feel the best about. I'm not sure how much stock I should put into feeling good about a test though. I felt pretty good about the two finals I took today and ended up getting C's on both of them.

One test was open book with a three-hour time limit. I thought I found every answer word-for-word in the book and submitted my test thinking, "I actually think I got 100% on that one." Or 72%, either way, right? Then I decided I needed to study hard for my next final. I put in a solid six hours only to get a 70%? What the? I'm pretty sure I'm supply and demand curve dyslexic. Oh well, the classes I'm behind in now are behind me now. Hopefully I wasn't the only one that bit the dust and it will all work out in the end.

At least the bookstore wasn't buying back any of my books. That was awesome.

Studying

2009-06-16T08:34:00.001-07:00

Studying is a funny thing. Sometimes I'm in the zone and could study nonstop for hours. Let's be honest though, that's happened like once. Usually I need to have some snackies, like baby carrots, to keep me company and help me stay awake and focused. I think overall I'm a good studier, but there are some days, like today, when I feel like I could think of any excuse not to study. The internet doesn't help either. I'll be sitting at my computer trying to think of what to type next for a final ethics paper and I'll think, "Hmmm...I wonder if anyone has sent me an e-mail in the last minute and a half." In my distracted defense, after checking my empty inbox I usually only read a few online newspaper articles, watch a few YouTube videos, or write a blog post and then I go right back to trying to finish the ethics sentence that I started 45 minutes earlier.

Battle of the Bands

2009-06-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Moloka'i

2009-06-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

***WARNING***
This post is not intended for the faint of stomach!

The sunset looks like absolute paradise, right? I thought so, too. It's a picture of the island Moloka'i, part of the Hawaiian islands. What you might not know about the island is that it has a quarantined colony of lepers inhabiting the northern tip of the island, Kalaupapa.

When I went to Toronto a couple of weeks ago, Bishop Wilson told me a story about Moloka'i. He said that his grandfather bought a house on the island after he retired; so, when Bishop Wilson was about 20 years old, he went with some of his friends to visit his grandfather for about five weeks during the summer.

The island was only inhabited by lepers on the northern tip, which was separated from the rest of the island by a mountain. The colony was only accessible by boat or by riding a donkey up and down the mountain, so there was no real danger of getting leprosy for everyone else on the island.

Bishop Wilson's grandfather was a dentist, so everyone called him Dr. Matkin. People were constantly asking him for medical advice and wanted him to help the lepers until they found out he wasn't a medical doctor. His grandpa did hear some interesting stories while he lived there, though.

Apparently, leprosy kills the nerve endings on fingers (I'll use fingers to represent any affected body part) and then that decay spreads to the rest of the finger until it finally falls off. One doctor had an idea that he might be able to save fingers. Because diseased fingers were attached to dead nerve endings, he thought he could take fingers that had just fallen off and save them by reattaching them to the hand and connecting them to nerve endings that were still alive.

The doctor went to the leper colony and explained his plan to the lepers, that he thought he could help them to save their fingers. He told them to call him immediately if one of them had a finger that fell off so he could come and try to reattach the phalanges.

He waited for about a week, but no one called him. He went back to the colony and saw that a lot of people had lost fingers during the week, which made him mad. "Why didn't any of you call me?" he asked. "Don't you want to try to save your fingers?"

"We do," the lepers responded, "but the problem is, we don't know when our fingers are falling off. It seems like we just look down one day and they're gone."

They couldn't exactly put their fingers on it. So, they decided to start watching for each other to see if they could detect where their fingers were falling.

As it turns out, rats were stealing them. Rats could smell the fingers that were about to fall off and would swipe them from the slumbering lepers. When lepers arose the next morning they would approach the day with one less finger.

*dry heave*

Sort of made me feel bad for telling jokes and the leper in the hot tub named Stu and the leper that couldn't take a shower because he forgot his head and shoulders.

It also made me realize how disgusting and crazy leprosy actually is. When I think of the Savior healing the ten lepers, I am dumbfounded that only one returned to thank Him for releasing him from the grasp of the contagious and degenerative disease.

So, I hope you enjoyed my story of Moloka'i and that it wasn't too gruesome for you. It could have been worse, though. I actually did a Google image search on leprosy to see if there were any good pictures to use, but I never should have done that.

Seeing those pictures was almost as disturbing as watching the Born Without a Face documentary on TLC.

My life during my blogging hiatus

2009-06-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

I officially when AWOB (absent without blogging) for the last few weeks. But, I have been garnering a bunch of blogworthy stories, so you should expect a splurge of stories in the next little while.

Quite a few things have happened since I last posted, though.

First, I was hired as a marketing intern for Extra Space Storage. This is the third internship I've done with them, so it has been fun to see another aspect of the business.

Second, I went to Toronto to see a family from my mission get sealed. It was incredible!

Third, Spring term at BYU is almost kaput. One more week. Booyah!

Fourth, I started a band with my cousin and some other friends.

We played at an open mic night and got a lot of compliments. Then, we were invited by the club manager to play at Battle of the Bands, which is a week from this Wednesday. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm singing and playing rhythm guitar (p.s. rhythm is a great hangman word) and we have another guitarist, a bassist, a keyboardist, and a drummer. I feel like it should be drummist. Anyway, we're playing a bunch of songs I've written over the years and this is my first time playing in a band, so it has been really fun hearing my music come to life.

Rock Stars

2009-05-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

I saw an Intel commercial on TV today that made me laugh. I'm not sure how I feel about the vocalized Intel theme at the end; but, other than that, I think they nailed it.

And, at the risk of sounding super nerdy, a funny thing happened in my tax class right after I had seen this commercial. My tax professor was talking about a new accounting rule called FAS 109 and was stressing the importance of understanding the concepts and how they're hard for a lot of people to grasp.

"In fact," he said, "your book says that the people that are excelling with FAS 109 are considered the rock stars of accounting." He paused and then started laughing. "Yeah, I wouldn't go that far. I went to an Eagle's concert this last Saturday and they were the real rock stars. They looked like they were having loads of fun. I guarantee you'll never have as much fun doing FAS 109 work, but you'll still be in high demand."